Midweek: Lessons Learned in Adoption #5

I'd like to bring this series on adoption and its lessons, to a close. Obviously, we are still learning and growing; there are many other lessons I've not mentioned here. But all of life is a learning process, whether you are led to foster or adopt, whether you are parenting adult children or watching your babies raise theirs. Maybe you're getting the message to move when "the timing just couldn't be worse," or going through a season of intense physical pain. We are made to grow, and grow into the people God designed us to be --absent our sin nature thoroughly rotted by its deceptive desires. Justin Whitmel Earley, author of Habits of the Household, says: 

In a very real sense, parenting is one long process of revealing who you are. And usually that is not pretty.

Perhaps it’s a one-year-old who won’t sleep. Or maybe it’s a pre-teen who talks back constantly, a five-year-old who is still wetting the bed, a third-grader who just doesn’t listen, or a toddler who has constant tantrums. Whatever it is, usually, there is a fundamental reason it drives us insane as parents — we cannot control it. We like being in control, and now we’re not. And the seething anger or crippling self-pity we’ve spent our lives hiding begins to be exposed.

This is important because what is being exposed is not your bad reaction to the situation — what is being exposed is you. The difficulty of parenting has torn us open, and we don’t really like the heart we see inside ourselves. 

Ouch! God is not threatened by our disobedience. He does not wring His hands or angrily demand control of His children. He knows who He is even when we do not. And He compassionately remembers we are dust. It is His goodness throughout the situations we handle poorly that leads us back to Him. Father, forgive me. Show me how to correct the damage, if possible, and help me do things right the next time this situation presents itself. Isn't that the heart we want to see in our children? Humility, bold faith, unquestioning obedience, responsibility, compassion for others, growth.

But parenting as God parents is not easy for us. We are growing as our children grow, erring as our children err. That's why we need a great cloud of witnesses. These people, mentioned in Hebrews 11 (otherwise known as the Hall of Faith) endured trouble and stepped out in faith when there appeared to be nothing under their feet but sailboat fuel. Reading the accounts of their lives in Scripture and imitating them, being challenged and inspired by them, is invaluable. Then, there are those more modern day witnesses, Heroes of the Faith, if you will: Martin Luther, Harriet Tubman, George Mueller, Jim Elliot, Joni Eareckson Tada. Or maybe you've got heroes in your midst --a pastor who never shuts off his phone; a friend who, though she experienced a shocking loss, has never ceased to keep her eyes fixed on the God she worships; a true prayer warrior (these people are more precious than gold!); the quiet little man who sits near you on the bus reading his worn and heavily marked Bible. Any of these may be the great cloud of witnesses, testifiers to the goodness and faithfulness of God in their lives. And they are essential resources in this race.

So, this is the lesson I'd like to leave you with: Steadfastness. There are days I remind myself continually, this is a process. I am not responsible for the outcome of this process; I am responsible for my obedience, to remain on the path toward which God has directed me. In order to do so, in His grace, He has supplied me with examples throughout history and, if I'm positioned where I need to be, examples around me. Additionally, I am blessed with the precious and powerful resource of prayer --mine lifted to our Savior at any time, day or night, and the intercessions of others who so graciously, so obediently bring our names before the throne of God. I have the wisdom of Scripture --thank God, in this country, in myriad formats --and the gift of the Holy Spirit who cares for me in many ways. I can remain steadfast because I am not alone, and I have everything I need to live the life God has called me to live. You can, too!

Fattening Your Sacrifice

Be the bigger person! Have you ever heard that? I'm not going to stoop to her level. How about, Take the high road? This is the relationship advice I've received over the years. It's not entirely bad, but it isn't very good either. We certainly don't want to imitate another's bad behavior, and two angry or vengeful people don't exactly improve a difficult situation, but there's a difference between taking a path of righteousness and taking the right path. 

Recent circumstances have forced me to take a look at our marriage. Specifically, why I do what I do. Am I being selfless, am I sacrificing my time, am I working hard because I want to be a better person, because this is where I am in my relationship with Jesus? or because I want to be the better spouse? Is my behavior a response to Christ's challenge to live a righteous life? or is it grounded in my desire to be right, to outdo another?

Psalm 66:13-15 (NKJV) says:

I will go into Your house with burnt offerings;
I will pay You my vows,
Which my lips have uttered
And my mouth has spoken when I was in trouble.
I will offer You burnt sacrifices of fat animals,
With the sweet aroma of rams;
I will offer bulls with goats. Selah

Robert Alter's translation renders verse 15 thus:

Fat burnt-offerings I shall offer up to You
with the incense of rams.
I shall sacrifice cattle and goats.

The psalmist lived in an agrarian society. Their farms, their sheep, their cattle were not only their means of providing food for their families, but the products they sold or traded to others were their livelihood. A fatted calf could bring good money at market. The breeding services of a prime ram could be traded for clothing or another commodity. Who would lay out feed, stall space, and the time it took to bring up a lamb simply to let it be burnt up that the priest might sup on those savory-sweet lamb chops? Who could afford it? But they did. They fattened their livestock specifically for the purpose of giving the best right off the top to the Lord. Fat burnt-offerings I shall offer up to You. We might paraphrase it this way: 

"I am doing my absolute best, giving the most I've got, making things as inconvenient and lean and uncomfortable for myself, laying it all on the line and then seeking out more to give that You might be honored in a way fitting the King of all kings, the God who made heaven and earth, my Abba Father."

The premise of Oswald Chambers' famous devotional, My Utmost for His Highest, is that we might give our choicest, unrivaled, intentionally fattened best for God's greatest glory through our lives, expecting nothing in return but to yield to Him all He deserves. That is righteousness. That is the only honest goal of selflessness, sacrifice, and hard work. Not to be better than others. Not to prove ourselves right. Not to make those around us look inferior. But to fatten our sacrifice for the One who is truly worth of it. To fatten our sacrifice for a holy and almighty God.

 Photo courtesy LuAnn Martin    

Gone for Good!

I watched as a woman emptied her vehicle of several black garbage bags. She was loading them into one of those big metal boxes for clothing donations, the ones that usually sit at the end of a shopping center parking lot. I've often wondered who has the unsavory task of emptying those bins. I mean, there's got to be all sorts of really disgusting things in there. I'm sure people drop trash in there, maybe some filthy old shoes, cigarette butts --maybe even clothes used in the commission of a crime! Too much? Okay. But what about roaches? There have to be roaches! And I just can't! Those critters can survive just about anything! And just because you got rid of them doesn't mean they stay gone. 

Maybe this, too, is a little much, but our sin is like an infestation of roaches. We stop one bad habit by merely exchanging it for another. We realize we are being plagued by wrongful anger, so we pray and fast and do studies on anger and how to live a life worthy of the calling; we lean into the Lord that we might be free. And we are! But two years later, out comes a sarcastic remark. Where did that come from? Unrighteous anger is threatening our character once again. We have forgotten we don't need to be that way; we have forgotten that we now walk in freedom. It's a reinfestation. But how?

In Exodus 12:12 God explains the final step He is going to take to compel Pharaoh to let the people of Israel go out of Egypt. He tells Moses and Aaron, I will pass through the land of Egypt on that night, and will strike all the firstborn in the land of Egypt, both man and beast; and against all the gods of Egypt I will execute judgment: I am the Lord.

Did you catch that? God is dealing with the gods of Egypt. God's actions weren't simply for Israel's benefit and Pharaoh's detriment; they were designed to deal with the false deities of Egypt. Some of the animals in Egypt were regarded as incarnations of gods; their death would have been incomprehensible. Other animals simply represented objects of worship, as they were symbols of certain gods or were "owned" by gods. Recall the images of gods like Horus with a falcon head, Pasht's catlike head, or Anubis with a jackal's head. A sudden extermination of "sacred" firstborn animals would have been regarded as a strike against those deities. Some sources point out that each of the plagues prior to the Angel of Death crushed the power and authority of some of Egypt's gods over the land. Hapi, god of the Nile was thrown down by the turning of the river's waters to blood. Geb, god of the earth was supplanted when the dust became gnats at God's command. Ra, the sun god was defeated when God darkened all of Egypt, literally overshadowing Ra's sovereignty.  

Then there was Pharaoh himself, a "divinely" installed and sanctioned ruler, a mediator between gods and men who, upon his death, would himself become divine. His son would inherit the throne. According to Egyptian lore, Osiris and Isis were gods that protected the Pharaoh and his wife; Horus was the god that ensured the rightful heir, son of the Pharaoh, would take the throne. The death of the heir would have thwarted the intended, legitimate transition of power and affected the perpetuation of the royal lineage. This blow would have usurped the powers of all the gods "protecting" the royal family. Osiris, who had additional authority over life, death, and resurrection would have been proved to be particularly impotent. God, over the course of ten plagues (depending on how you count them) executed judgment not only on Pharaoh, but on the very deities the people of Egypt worshiped and depended upon to care for them.

So back to the sin (and the roaches). The power of Jesus' blood shed on the cross puts an end to bondage and demonstrates the impotency of the gods on which we rely. When we run to alcohol in hopes of emboldening us, or food to pacify us, or gossip to make us feel better about ourselves, or angry outbursts to make us more comfortable --when we run to these things, they don't help! They never did! They are impotent, defeated. That was proven at the cross! Their power lasts only as long as the dopamine rush and solves nothing. By chasing after those behaviors, we are clutching at false gods offered by the ruler of this world. The gods worshipped by Egypt were powerless; they never had provided for or protected the Egyptians. God proved that via plagues. But it was the belief of the people that gave false gods their power. Just like those sins we allow to revisit and reinfest. If we are not vigilant, we once again, as we did before we became free in Christ, give them power. 

I need some liquid courage. 

I'm eating my feelings.

But that's not the truth. Jesus is our confidence, our peace, our identity, our rest. And all of those false deities are nothing but insidiously disgusting roaches that Christ has made gone --for good. He has been proving it since the beginning of time, disarming and disabling the things that challenge His place in the lives of His people. Let us remain close to Him, worshipping only the One True God, and prevent a reinfestation.

Midweek: Lessons Learned in Adoption #4

In this midweek series, I have been sharing some of the lessons I've learned through the process of adoption --my own into the family of God, and the adoption of a son into our earthly home. So far, I've shared the importance of prayer in all things, the level of sacrifice and totality of commitment exemplified by Jesus Christ, grace, the invitation for all who desire to be made part of His family, faith, and trust. Today I'd like to talk about the mercy and methodology of God, and our response to it.

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Are you married? Have you ever had a roommate? You don't know what you don't know, as they say. Not until you are in the very eye of life with another human being do you begin to realize that, in the flesh, we are all incompatible. Our egos cry out to be seen, the id demands to be satisfied. We want what we want regardless of others. In the case of our adoptive family, the things we wanted were happiness, peace, ease, safety. Good things, right? As we tried to marry two worlds into one, we discovered what we saw as the path to those things was not agreed upon by others. Everyone wanted happiness, but not in the same way. Everyone wanted things to go easily but had different ideas about how to accomplish that. There were angry outbursts from all parties. There was disobedience and disrespect by all members. Not every effort worked or was appreciated. Growing together can be difficult. Plans are sometimes incompatible even though we all may desire the same things.

We had to learn new ways of parenting and relating. Our older children were born to us, they were ours from the start. The relationship was parent-child. (period) But relationship is much more than a title. If we teach our children who Jesus is, but don't model for them --by our own relationships --what a relationship with Him looks like, they will be filled with facts to which they have difficulty forming a response and implementing. Realizing relationship was a much better goal than parenting, was a game-changer. Now, I'm not talking about being your child's bestie or giving them absolute autonomy; but relationship shows mercy and grace, relationship seeks to provide and make available while setting boundaries and directing our children toward the better thing. We began to say things like, "Okay, you can have this for now, but when the timer goes off, I'm going to ask you to give it up. And I know you want to do what's right." We asked questions like, "Do you want to study your Spelling at the park and clean your room when we return? or do you want to clean your room, have a snack, and then work on Spelling?" The Do!It!Now! method of parenting we'd previously employed didn't work (we quickly discovered) and no longer seemed very Christlike to me. God speaks sternly, authoritatively, sometimes urgently to His children, but not in frustration or out of fatigue. He allow His commands or His correction to escalate into argument. he is God and He remains God, even when we disobey.

The Lesson: Don't hesitate to re-evaluate your goals and the method used to obtain them in light of Scripture. 1 Timothy 6:6-8 says that godliness with contentment is great gain; we take nothing with us when we leave this world, so we are free to be content with what we've been given --no matter how different it appears from what we imagined. Were our goals godly? I believe so. But should peace and safety be our endgame? And how are we working to achieve them? Matthew 6:33 says to seek first the kingdom of God. Dallas Willard defines the kingdom of God as "God’s effective will. It is where what He wants done is done." (I would encourage you to check out his series on The Divine Conspiracy on YouTube) What did God appoint us to do through this event (adoption)? Are we doing His will in the manner in which Jesus would do it? Were Jesus' goals happiness, peace, ease, and safety? Perhaps for others, but I think they were secondary to His goal of obedience to the Father. 

God has shown me such mercy, taking me around the block again and again to remove and refine habits and characteristics in me. Philippians 1:6 assures us God does not give up on perfecting His children. As he lavishes us with His love and, at the same time, allows us to experience consequences, He whets our appetite for the things He wants; our desire to conform to His ways is cultivated as we experience His character. This is how I want our son --all of our children --to experience relationship with us, certainly, but relationship with our Heavenly Father above all others.