The Way I See Things

I watched as our daughter headed out to the backyard, her confident walk and the lightness in her gait illuminated by the contrast of her dirty, worn out bedroom slippers, her favorites. She called to our pup with the flopping ears who bounded joyfully after her. Four years ago, we'd lost a dog suddenly --too suddenly to call Olivia out of class and get her home in enough time to say goodbye. It was something that bothered us all. A few years later, Olivia began to lose weight at an alarming rate. She struggled to eat, particularly in public. Anxiety became an everyday battle. Her tiny frame became almost brittle-looking and her once buoyant blue eyes became empty. Now, here I was, privileged to be watching a healthy, happy, young woman, attached once again, to a lively, faithful canine friend. I saw in the simplest of moments, a picture of healing and God's mercy. 

There's a quote I've seen a lot lately:

Those who leave everything in God's hands will eventually see God's hand in everything.

Perhaps that is the case, but I sometimes try to imagine how I would see things if I denied the existence of God. Would I appreciate this moment for the blessing it is? Who would I thank? Maybe I would mutter some "circle of life stuff" to myself and move on. Maybe I would be unable to leave that place of pain we had to go through to get to this place. I know who I once was, and I really can't fathom seeing things as I do without the transformation the Holy Spirit has worked in me. Way back when, the loss of a dog and the grief of a young woman would have been one more thing I'm expected to deal with. It would have become some sort of commentary on my parenting: Look, I'm sorry you miss the dog, I'm sorry there wasn't enough time. What do you want me to do? Stop blaming me! I felt alone. I believed the weight of my children's upbringing, their health, their future, rested completely on me. I felt pressured to be better than everyone else; I struggled to carve out "me time" while working, homeschooling, and "being the best mom on the planet." I was so stressed out and spread so thin, I forgot birthdays and promises; I torched relationships and blamed others; my desire to be a model for others rendered me a model for hypocrisy. I drove myself and everyone around me crazy with my self-sufficient, self-absorbed, misguided quest for perfection. 

BUT GOD. He proved to me I am not alone (Isaiah 41:10)... 

I am not called to lead but to follow (Matthew 16:24-25)...

it is not all about me (John 3:30)...

He is working for my good (Romans 8:28)...

He is available anytime of the day or night through prayer (Psalm 88:1)...

I can place the things I can't control in His hands --and even the things I think I can (Philippians 4:6-7)...

the end game is not for me to be the best (Colossians 3:23-24)...

I only have to do what I am called to do (2 John 1:6).

And that has made all the difference in the way I see things.

Taking Action to Avoid Distraction

Teaching is one of the spiritual gifts given for the edification and advancement of the kingdom of God. It is one of the gifts I have been given, and I love using it! For years I taught children and, as crazy as it may sound, it was the ornery, distracted ones (mostly boys) I loved teaching most. Maybe it was the challenge, maybe I was a bit envious at all the fun they were having, or maybe it was because they were usually so stinkin' intelligent! Many of them actually heard me even though they were all over the place in their fidgeting, their irrelevant questions, their failure to follow instructions. The problem was, they were a distraction to those who needed a little more structure; students like me. 

I need quiet. If I'm reading, any type of music --even a ten-second jingle on a commercial-- is enough to require me to reread the same line over and over before I comprehend what I've just read. If I'm doing some sort of calculation, a news anchor stating, Good evening, It is August 23rd, 2022, can throw me into a tailspin. That is, unless I am deeply engrossed in what it is I am doing.

Recently, Jesus has been working with me on my "quiet time" practices. He is changing the way I do things and changing the way I hold on to what He is showing me during our time together. One of my biggest issues is distraction, and one of my biggest distractions is me. I have an office again (Whoo-Hoo!), but for the first several days, I didn't use it. My chair isn't comfortable. So, I changed my chair. Well, I sat down here in the kitchen and figured, why move all of my stuff to the office. So, I moved all of my stuff to the office. Mom's upstairs all alone. That's when God finally stepped in:

"Look, she's fine by herself when you need to run to the store, right? You leave it in My hands when you head to church on Sunday morning, right? What is the difference now?"

None. I was stonewalling, fidgeting, fixating on things that were irrelevant, failing to follow instructions. God showed me Mary, sitting at Jesus' feet, choosing the good thing. Martha went so far as to involve Jesus in her pettiness-- "Tell her to help me!" You think she hadn't nudge Mary a time or two? shot her a dirty look? hissed at her? Of course she had! Mary heard the clanking of the pots, smelled dinner cooking, saw the blur that was Martha whooshing by. She just didn't allow all of those distractions to pull her from what was really important. She chose to get up close, to sit still, to keep her eyes on Him, to immerse herself in His teaching. She was intentional. She made that time with Jesus a priority and everything else fell away. She desired to recall the things her Teacher said, and it showed by her actions. 

Our desires are reflected in the choices we make, and our choices will determine our takeaway. 

Jesus is the only significance. Beside Jesus nothing has any significance. He alone matters. 

~ Dietrich Bonhoeffer, The Cost of Discipleship