Fighting Prayer Fatigue

"Don’t be weary in prayer; keep at it; watch for God’s answers, and remember to be thankful when they come." -- Colossians 4:2 (TLB)

I was praying about a situation the other day. I know I'm not praying the way I should, as often as I should. I am praying half-heartedly for an outcome that would bless others and bring glory to the Lord; I am praying once in a while for a situation which is before me day after day. To pray as I should makes me fearful and uncomfortable; to pray in a way that fills my heart with hope, could leave me disappointed with others or saddened by circumstances; to pray as I should is wearisome.

One of the participants in this matter is extremely important to me. I want restoration inside and out; I want a powerful, eternal rebuild within his heart. But, years of praying for him to return to the Lord, years of his "faking it," have left me cynical -- or, at least, that's what I wrote in my journal this morning. No sooner had the ink left my pen, the Spirit spoke: it had not made me cynical, he had not made me cynical, I had allowed myself to become cynical. I had allowed weariness in prayer to cause me to write this person off -- against what God says. I do not have the right to dismiss anyone or any situation.

"You can't worry about his choices," my self-placating voice whispers. And I can't -- I shouldn't worry about anything --  but I should certainly be praying! Always. With thanksgiving. Because of who my God is!

And what would happen if this individual did turn it around? A miracle! A miracle I didn't pray for, wrought by a God I didn't trust to do what I labeled "impossible". A miracle I rejected. A HUGE missed blessing. Prayer is God's invitation to us to be a part of something wonderful and rejoice fully when it happens. God invites us to blessing by commanding us to pray.

And then there's the alternative: what happens if this loved one doesn't get it together? What if his behavior continues in this vein until his freedom is forever relinquished -- or his life? What satisfaction is there in knowing I didn't "waste my time praying" for someone who didn't care? What consolation is there in knowing I was "right"? None. Guilt on top of loss.

Moses, lying prostrate and praying God would take him instead. Hannah, unmoved by the passage of time or the opinions of others. Stephen, stones cutting into his flesh, large rocks sending his head spinning, praying for those who would see him dead, praying blessing upon them! These people of God were blessed by their own prayers, by their right attitudes. And the world was blessed by their faith! For me to fail to pray and see my skepticism come to fruition is the greatest of losses -- for everyone.

Let us not become weary in prayer. "And remember to be thankful for God's answers when they come."

Pressure

Billy Joel warned us. Queen and Bowie were under it. Vanilla Ice sampled it. Pressure. When the difficulties of life begin swirling themselves into the perfect storm. When your landlord and your wife and your kids and your mother and the utility company all seem to have conspired against you. I think most of us can stomach the things we do to ourselves, but when the problems of others brazenly thrust themselves into our space in one relentless assault? Not so much.

But that's me. I'm there.

I got a letter today. Someone who never asked wanted something I don't have within a time limit they never set -- upon penalty of discontinuing services for which I never miss a payment. I received this letter at the end of a day of answering endless texts and emails pressuring me about something else over which I have no control. All of this in the midst of -- some of it with regard to -- a situation in which I perpetually feel inadequate and helpless. Are you with me?

James 1:3, in The Message says:

"You know that under pressure, your faith-life is forced into the open and shows its true colors."

Ouch! "Shows its true colors?" Red. Red is the color I've been showing. Annoyed that the problems of others have somehow become mine. Angry that, despite doing what I am supposed to be doing, despite being the "responsible one," I am getting beat up. Incensed that people getting paid a lot more than I am to do a job which is supposed to serve me have twisted things up so badly, I now have to do their job as well as my own.

But what colors should I let show?

White (Peace): "Let the peace of Christ [the inner calm of one who walks daily with Him] rule in your hearts [deciding and settling questions that arise]." Col. 3:15 (AMP)

Green (Life): "Whoever believes in me, as Scripture has said, rivers of living water will flow from within them." John 7:38 (NIV)

Yellow (Light of Christ): "Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father which is in heaven." Matt. 5:16 (KJV)

And the only Red others should see in me? The blood of Christ. "He himself bore our sins in his body on the tree, that we might die to sin and live to righteousness. By his wounds you have been healed." 1 Peter 2:24 (ESV)

May pressure reveal in all of us the colors of life in our Savior and Redeemer, Jesus Christ the Lord.

When the Winds of Change Begin to Blow

Scott and I met in "the Autumn of life," so to speak. We'd both been married before. We had children and homes and jobs. And routines. We were in our forties and -- Ima jes' say it -- were set in our ways. The good thing? We were, for the most part, set in the same ways. We both liked things in order. We spent free time cleaning. (Judge if you must.) We both liked quiet and time to ourselves. We enjoyed long weekends antiquing, and B&Bs. This year we spent our tenth anniversary gardening and sprucing up, hanging out at home with the dogs and barbecuing. Heaven on earth.

Fast forward to this, November 2018. On some levels, we couldn't be more different. We suffered a few losses this summer, and handled them very differently. We've begun a new journey in life, and have very different ideas about how it should unfold or which routes we should take. There have been days, for the first time in our relationship, I've wondered if we would be celebrating a twentieth anniversary. Scott has changed. I have changed. Our circumstances have changed. But our promise to one another has not. And the God before whom we stood when we made that promise has not. He has been with us, guiding and encouraging; softening hearts and sending others to disciple and care for us. He will not ignore us if we call on Him (1 Peter 3:12); He will not abandon us in the midst of something to which He has called us (Phil. 1:6). And it is these truths that assure us we can do this.

Here are a few others:

STAY CALM! I don't have to, I can't, I won't think about our future in a way that stirs anxiety within me. Much of the future is waaaaay beyond my control anyway. Why respond with worry which is not only sinful, but only serves to exacerbate the details? "Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus." (Phil. 4:6-7)

STAY REAL! I do have to think about consequences -- potential or otherwise -- in a way that causes me to do all I can to bring about righteous results. Prudence is not anxiety; concern is not worry. I have to make right choices and actively, diligently seek God's will. "Who is the man that fears the Lord? Him shall He teach in the way He chooses." (Psalm 25:12)

STAY FOCUSED! I have to stay in God's Word, pray and trust Jesus for all I say, think and do. External resources are great -- the advice of a trusted friend, books rife with godly wisdom, marriage counseling; but Jesus is -- must be -- my focus. Always. "Seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you." (Matthew 6:33)

STAY! I have to be present; to intentionally remember who this man is, his wonderfulness, his fears, his heart, who we are to one another, our friendship as well as our marriage, the respect I have for him -- and why. Issues are just that; differences are just that. The changes taking place in our life, the changes taking place in each of us do not change our responsibility toward one another. Emotionally giving up on our relationship (or my husband) is to give more weight to disjuncture and remove value from commitment. If I "check out," as I am tempted to do when we are unable to come to a resolution, I send a clear message to my husband I no longer respect him and I have ceased to care. "Finally brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy -- meditate on these things." (Phil. 4:8)

So, this Autumn has been particularly blustery. The winds of change have blown through and about our lives. We can choose to be tossed about by them, or shore up our home against them and prepare for the next ten years!

Turning a Page

So. I'm feeling pretty pleased with myself right now. I hope you don't mind, but I'd like to take a minute and savor the moment... Yeah, I changed the calendar today. I know, I know. It's impressive, right? We're approaching mid-November, and I just kissed October goodbye. This is who I've become.

In July, I was reading Liturgy of the Ordinary, by Tish Harrison. Since the beginning of the year I'd felt the Spirit's prompting me to take my time, live in the moment, renounce busyness and be more intentional in my relationships. I wanted to do more than make memories; I wanted to cherish them. Today, the chaos in my life is such, I just realized I have an appointment today..

It seems busyness is all I know. So much so -- and this is where my ex-husband and children will appreciate this post more than anyone -- I have a single shoe sitting by the back door. And you know what? I do NOT care where the other one is.

I was missing a Tupperware lid the other day. "It'll turn up," I said to myself, and closed the cabinet door.

As I put the two-year old to bed last night, I noticed the fragrance of peanut butter wafting through the air. It was then I realized he had it in his hair. "See you in the morning."

We spent almost $10 on a pint of organic chili that no one liked. Rather than trying to doctor it up or stomach it myself, I threw it out. My frugal German nature never even spoke up.

The children's toy basket contains cars without wheels and dolls without clothes. I'm chalking it up to creative license.

The sixteen-year old put her Christmas playlist on as we ran errands the other day. Christmas carols before November had even hit the double digits? (Although, the calendar at the Murphy's was still reading "October.") Sacrilege! Nope, we laughed and sang all around town. Not once did Old Me ever whisper, "Must be nice to be sixteen and have the kind of time to put playlists together." In fact, it was then I realized, I need this in my life!

The friends who call "just to talk," the people of all ages and sizes who just refuse to see things as I do, the moments that don't remotely resemble my vision for them, the activities that yield nothing I can cross off a "Honey Do" list, the people who make time for playlists and video games and drives to nowhere. These are the people, these are the things that cause me to live in the moment. It is the single shoes and the naked Barbies that remind me what is really important. I could spend hours fretting over how things look or how they are supposed to be, or I can live in the moment. I can let go of what I think in favor of what is important to others. I can do something fun and frivolous -- or simply appreciate it -- for the sake of changing the dynamic of the things I believe are necessary.

I can measure my days in calendar pages, or moments seeing life as others see it.