Not a Christian

Those who leave everything in God's hand will see God's hand in everything.
~ Unknown

I am a Christian. If church was giving out certificates for perfect attendance, I wouldn't receive one. If God was giving out awards for best behaved, I wouldn't receive one. If the stars spelled out the name of the most generous givers or the most selfless servants, I wouldn't be among them (our pastor would; not me). But I am a Christian just the same. I am a person who believes the Bible is true, it reveals the character, plan, and work of God to all mankind. I believe that Jesus died, suffering every bit of the penalty I deserved for my sin, paying my debt in full and in return, He gave me His righteousness; He rose from the dead, the Firstfruits of many --myself included, proving His life, His blood, was the one and only sufficient sacrifice for sin. It is that clean slate, if you will, my new identity and the presence of the Holy Spirit in me, that emboldens and empowers me to live as Christ lived, loving others as He loved me. It is the work of God the Father, through Jesus Christ, His Son, by the power of the Holy Spirit. In my power I come up woefully short. It is in unlikely moments-- moments of weakness, rebellion, ignorance --that I often think I'm starting to look most like the Christian I want to be. 

Going back to the days of my childhood, sitting quietly in Sunday school, careful not to wrinkle my best dress, I wanted to be good; I wanted to please God and my parents and my teachers. But those days are few before the world begins to label you with names like "teacher's pet" and "goody-goody," and you realize that to gain the acceptance of your peers (which, on the average, outnumber your teachers by twenty to one) you must lose the approval of adults on some level. I wasn't prepared make sacrifices. I remained good in school and quiet in church, but when the grown-ups weren't watching I did all I could to prove I was not good and quiet. I was a fake and I learned to be --I thought-- pretty good at it. On the surface, I passed for a Christian, but I was not a Christian.

Fast forward twenty-five years, two marriages, two children, two divorces, lots of frustration and striving, even more guilt and weariness, to a time when I finally threw my hands up in surrender. Weakness, rebellion, ignorance left me decimated. On the surface, I was a mess; I didn't pass for anything much --certainly not a Christian. But I was the most authentic me I'd ever been. All the things I believed about God, now in the wreckage of my decisions, I promised to trust. I had no place to go but before the throne of God --homeless. I had no one who could save me from myself or even knew just how bad and how fake and how lost my self was --alone. I couldn't do anything to survive that kind of brokenness, much less make anything great out of it --weak. I'd been smacked squarely in the face with my arrogance, my do-it-yourselfism, my self-indulgence, and had learned the hard way that I had no idea what I was doing --ignorance and rebellion. But, I was a Christian. I am a Christian.

C.S. Lewis said, "The Christian does not think God will love us because we are good, but that God will make us good because He loves us." And I'm trusting Him to continue making me good. I am leaving everything in His hands and walking in a life planned by the One who loves me like no other. And if I appear broken or put together or frazzled or pious or tired or jealous or gracious --however I appear-- I will trust God to do whatever it takes in me to make me look more like Him, inside and out. Because I am a Christian.

Photo courtesy Mark Sutherland

Benevolence

It had been a busy week. That day in particular I'd been running around furiously and was heading into my fourth wardrobe change. When we'd first been invited, there was a sincere plan to make something delicious for the barbecue, but opportunity and time were not on my side. Instead, Mom and I headed to the nearest bakery. Pies, cookies, danish. Cupcakes! Seemed appropriate for some one who had such fond memories of Mom's cupcakes. We arrived to my friend and his sister loading up the grill, toting condiments and snacks, and double-checking the necessaries had been put in place. Then, the rundown on beverages available and their location. Make yourselves at home. Burgers should be ready soon; hot dogs and sausages are ready now. What does your mom want to drink? Miss Helen are you ready to eat? Here, give your mom some chips if she wants. You like to eat, don't you, Miss Helen! And the soiree had begun. We chatted and ate and chatted and ate. Before I knew, there was chicken, slathered with barbecue sauce, perfectly browned and ready to eat. There were pork chops on the grill, and more food sitting on a nearby table. The more we ate, the more food continued to appear! At one point I was almost convinced our hostess was simply cooking everything in her refrigerator. I love to see people eat! she would exclaim again and again. It showed. As I sat there, I imagined a picture of God's benevolence. 

Psalm 37:4 says, "Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart." As we delighted in our hostess' hospitality, she delighted in our delight. Sounds a little crazy, I know, but it's like purchasing that special gift for someone you love. You wait for the day to arrive that they will open it; you watch, holding your breath, as they remove each little layer; you simply cannot wait for them to lay eyes on it. The more genuine their reaction, the greater their appreciation, the more they delight in it --the greater your joy, the more eagerly you anticipate giving them something more in the future. Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you what your heart desires!

Psalm 84:11 says, “No good thing does he withhold from those who walk uprightly." That afternoon, it seemed to me our hostess was pulling out all the stops; the more we ate, the more she brought out. There seemed to be no end to the good food she shared with us at her table. We were genuinely welcome to whatever was available, and it was all so carefully prepared and delicious. Make yourselves at home was not a platitude; it was sincere. Quite the picture of God's abundant goodness toward the people of His righteousness.

Psalm 145:16 says, “You open your hand; you satisfy the desire of every living thing." God opens His hand. Our hostess prepared tables full of food, meeting one of our most basic needs as human beings: the need for sustenance. Additionally, the busy week I'd had left me in want of relaxation and laughter. Our hostess provided us with a generous bounty of both. Care and kindness in abundance! How much more, the God who satisfies the desire of every living thing?! It's all for you. There is nothing in My hand --My open hand, that is off-limits. If I'm giving it to you, I'm not rationing anything. Come and partake as you will.

Our God is merciful and gracious, longsuffering, and abounding in goodness and truth, keeping mercy for thousands, forgiving iniquity and transgression and sin. Every good gift and every perfect gift is from Him. I hope God has blessed you with wonderful people in your life. I hope you take the time to listen as He speaks and uses those people to remind you what a benevolent God He is.