Midweek: Step Eight

Will you help me?

The words sat there on my screen. Years ago, I would have been guilted into, been bullied into, or self-promoted my way into helping. I sure don't want this person to be mad at me. Or, I can help because I am that strong and that resourceful. But Jesus has changed me. He's taught me boundaries and the power of prayer. I've seen what He can do when people lean on Him rather than those around them. And I've learned that I am no one's Savior. To help in this case would mean exposing my family to various levels of risk. To help could cause all sorts of legal issues. To help might actually be encouraging the behavior that got this person into the mess in the first place. I politely but firmly said, Not in the way in which you are asking. An answer which was met with a thanks-for-nothing attitude. Confirmation.

Step Eight says, I made a list of all persons I had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all. We are at another list-making step in Walking the Twelve Steps with Jesus Christ. As is sometimes the case with lists we make, a list can actually hinder our progress if we don't choose to accept that list-making is for the purpose of activity and commit to that activity. So, this is a list of people we have wronged, harmed; an easy place to become stuck in shame and self-absorbed thinking. Yes, even thinking poorly of oneself is self-absorbed. But we are making a list for a purpose, putting victims and consequences to our bad choices, seeking in a later step to make amends when possible, and paying attention to even the smallest of ripples our addiction has caused. Step Eight not only includes those we have seen face-to-face, but those who we have never seen because of broken relationships; grandchildren or nieces and nephews kept safe by courageous, dutiful parents who do not want their children exposed to the insanity of our addiction --even if it meant dissolving a relationship. This step understands their response and credits them for it while recognizing our actions as the impetus for theirs. Also included is a general examination of our opinions of and behavior toward certain groups of people. Have we, in our addiction, committed crimes which we have justified by saying "those people" deserve it? Have we treated other addicts poorly and without human compassion because we see our broken selves in them? Like an onion, this is a step which could be peeled back, layer after layer over many years. But it needs to be made, as I mentioned, with a clear commitment to action and for the purpose of learning to keep our list of offenses short.

When the above person asked for my help, two things came to mind. First, this person was not really making a request: to request anything of anyone is to be grateful your request was considered and to be prepared for a refusal. This is the attitude behind our list in Step Eight. As I mentioned, activity is forthcoming, and things may not turn out as we plan; regardless the outcome, the purpose is healing. The response of another cannot make us whole; only Jesus can. Secondly, how far Jesus has brought me! Twenty years ago, I secretly would have provided "help", knowing my husband would have been furious. Fifteen years ago, I would have blamed the No squarely on my husband. Even five years ago, I would have refused, but I definitely would have started a fight when I received the person's snarky response. However, because of Jesus, I established a boundary, confident it was the right response, and I accepted whatever this person had to say --snarky or not --as the result of their issues talking; not adding to my list of persons I had harmed or things for which I need to make amends.

The cycle of shame that feeds our bad behavior, addictive or otherwise can be broken with Jesus. One step at a time.

  

What Would Change Your Life This Christmas?

The interviewer posed the question: What could someone have said or spoken over you to change the trajectory of your life? "Interesting question," I thought. "What would be my answer?" She wasn't asking me, however; I was listening to an interview with two pastors whose faithfulness I admire. The first gave his answer: You are someone; you are worth something, and there is hope. "Oooh, good answer! I could've used that," I thought. The second pastor spoke the answer that came up from my heart and dissipated all those warm fuzzies I was feeling from the first pastor: I just needed to obey. That right there was a truth bomb, and it had hit me a split-second before the sound of his words had hit my ears. There was something for me to learn here.

Let me first say, both pastors were preaching the Gospel. God demonstrated through the incarnation of His Son that we are all worth something; He gave us all hope, but a greater brand of hope than we could have ever imagined --eternal Hope. Jesus demonstrated it with His blood! That's what we are worth to Him. And just as He obeyed His Father in making a way for the One True God to be our Father through His flesh, we are to obey as He did. We just need to obey. 

But why? 

1. Because He is God. Plain and simple, cut and dried. He is worthy, and His worth is not up for debate.

2. Because He gave His life for us (not quid pro quo, but homage. I'll get back to the quid pro quo thing.)

3. Because if He is willing to lay down His life for us, He must love us. And if He is all-knowing, all-powerful, omnipresent, and immutable; if He is Faithful and True, why would we not trust Him implicitly? Would He ever mislead us? Did He save us just to destroy us? Does He hold it over our heads: "See, see what I did for you? I died for you: you owe Me?" No more than a chair says to us, "You were so tired yesterday. You sat in me and I held you up; I provided a place for you to rest: you owe me." We are free to walk around thinking fire insurance is enough, just as we are free to walk around thinking that to have a chair is refreshing. But is it? We demonstrate our belief in Jesus and His sacrifice and His resurrection; we demonstrate the sufficiency of His work and His person by entering into a covenant relationship with Him and, because He is perfect, because He knows best, because He knows all and has all power, because He loves us better than we could ever love ourselves, we obey; we follow His plan. As I mentioned before, there is no quid pro quo, but when One demonstrates His integrity and love, is He not worthy of ours?

The Christmas season is all about the trajectory of life --of many lives --being changed. The demonstration by a perfect God that we are worth something: Here is Hope. And the call to follow and obey because Hope has come and desires a covenant relationship with us.

Thanks be to God for His indescribable Gift!