Midweek: Lessons Learned in Adoption #4

In this midweek series, I have been sharing some of the lessons I've learned through the process of adoption --my own into the family of God, and the adoption of a son into our earthly home. So far, I've shared the importance of prayer in all things, the level of sacrifice and totality of commitment exemplified by Jesus Christ, grace, the invitation for all who desire to be made part of His family, faith, and trust. Today I'd like to talk about the mercy and methodology of God, and our response to it.

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Are you married? Have you ever had a roommate? You don't know what you don't know, as they say. Not until you are in the very eye of life with another human being do you begin to realize that, in the flesh, we are all incompatible. Our egos cry out to be seen, the id demands to be satisfied. We want what we want regardless of others. In the case of our adoptive family, the things we wanted were happiness, peace, ease, safety. Good things, right? As we tried to marry two worlds into one, we discovered what we saw as the path to those things was not agreed upon by others. Everyone wanted happiness, but not in the same way. Everyone wanted things to go easily but had different ideas about how to accomplish that. There were angry outbursts from all parties. There was disobedience and disrespect by all members. Not every effort worked or was appreciated. Growing together can be difficult. Plans are sometimes incompatible even though we all may desire the same things.

We had to learn new ways of parenting and relating. Our older children were born to us, they were ours from the start. The relationship was parent-child. (period) But relationship is much more than a title. If we teach our children who Jesus is, but don't model for them --by our own relationships --what a relationship with Him looks like, they will be filled with facts to which they have difficulty forming a response and implementing. Realizing relationship was a much better goal than parenting, was a game-changer. Now, I'm not talking about being your child's bestie or giving them absolute autonomy; but relationship shows mercy and grace, relationship seeks to provide and make available while setting boundaries and directing our children toward the better thing. We began to say things like, "Okay, you can have this for now, but when the timer goes off, I'm going to ask you to give it up. And I know you want to do what's right." We asked questions like, "Do you want to study your Spelling at the park and clean your room when we return? or do you want to clean your room, have a snack, and then work on Spelling?" The Do!It!Now! method of parenting we'd previously employed didn't work (we quickly discovered) and no longer seemed very Christlike to me. God speaks sternly, authoritatively, sometimes urgently to His children, but not in frustration or out of fatigue. He allow His commands or His correction to escalate into argument. he is God and He remains God, even when we disobey.

The Lesson: Don't hesitate to re-evaluate your goals and the method used to obtain them in light of Scripture. 1 Timothy 6:6-8 says that godliness with contentment is great gain; we take nothing with us when we leave this world, so we are free to be content with what we've been given --no matter how different it appears from what we imagined. Were our goals godly? I believe so. But should peace and safety be our endgame? And how are we working to achieve them? Matthew 6:33 says to seek first the kingdom of God. Dallas Willard defines the kingdom of God as "God’s effective will. It is where what He wants done is done." (I would encourage you to check out his series on The Divine Conspiracy on YouTube) What did God appoint us to do through this event (adoption)? Are we doing His will in the manner in which Jesus would do it? Were Jesus' goals happiness, peace, ease, and safety? Perhaps for others, but I think they were secondary to His goal of obedience to the Father. 

God has shown me such mercy, taking me around the block again and again to remove and refine habits and characteristics in me. Philippians 1:6 assures us God does not give up on perfecting His children. As he lavishes us with His love and, at the same time, allows us to experience consequences, He whets our appetite for the things He wants; our desire to conform to His ways is cultivated as we experience His character. This is how I want our son --all of our children --to experience relationship with us, certainly, but relationship with our Heavenly Father above all others.