Midweek: Right Between the "I"s

"I can't, Dude!" we heard our youngest declare. He was on the phone with friends who were playing online games shortly before bedtime. "I had my electronics time today," he explained. "I'm not allowed to use them after 7:30." Apparently, he was getting some pushback from the other end of the line. "A good parent sets rules!" I finally heard him assert. I couldn't have been more pleased or more grateful. 

Integrity is a word we've used quite frequently with our young man, and it seems to be taking root. Integrity is a wholeness of being, a purity in which all parts line up perfectly. Thoughts match words which match actions; a being is of the same sound mind no matter the circumstances. It is an important quality in leadership. Integrity is moral uprightness, intellectual uprightness, and social uprightness. The leader with integrity may not get it right all the time, but has a natural inclination toward serving others with every part of their life, and makes decisions that are reliable and difficult. Isn't that what we dream for our sons? Stand up for what is right. Tell the truth. Defend the weak. Do not bend in the face of opposition.

When was the last time you spoke to your daughters about integrity, though? I think our western world is more likely to teach our daughters about another "I," independence. You don't need a man. You can do anything you put your mind to do. Be strong. And I'm beginning to discover we're pretty wrong about all that. Integrity seeks balance and consistency. It's more than just behaving rightly, saying the right things; integrity comes from within and promotes independence. I believe, all this teaching our daughters "independence" stuff has produced some shallow, self-seeking, self-serving, unstable, and unreliable women of questionable character. Like putting the cart before the horse, as they say. Genuine independence is more than surviving on your own or climbing the ladder despite naysayers. It takes a strong woman, willing to disregard opinions and falsehoods, to stand up authentically. To practice independence, one must have integrity first. The idea of putting up a big fat middle finger to "the patriarchy" (as feminists like to call it) is not only childish, but virtually impossible. We need the contributions of men and women to continue and thrive as a society. If we didn't, God would have created Adam or Eve and called it a day. 

Quick story, in 1989, I took a job in a male-dominated industry run by "The Old Boy Network," or so I was told. As women, specifically, demanded greater advantages and recognition, the work environment deteriorated. Accountability waned and disrespect grew. People --all people and especially women --were no longer treated as valuable individuals with unique perspectives, but were now numbers, white noise in a sea of sameness. A culture of teamwork was replaced by a culture of offense; a workplace that used to consist of everyone bringing their best to the table became a workplace in which some were entitled or perceived to be entitled without really having much to offer. The equitable presence of females in workspaces was supported by physiology and quotas -- "helps" --not at all the true strength and independence of the women present. Rather than the type of character that comes from women with integrity --consistently good performance despite circumstances --we got a workforce of qualifiers, not the qualified.

I say all of this because I see many young women out here floundering and pretending. I'm supposed to be strong; I'm supposed to be independent, but how do I do that without being tethered to others? Without integrity they are unable to practice independence. Without some depth of character, without balance, with their moral, intellectual, and social selves dis-integrated, they are grasping at straws to survive --using people, navel-gazing, and flitting from one sexual encounter to another to provide themselves (they hope) with what they need. That's not independence. Quite the opposite, that's dependence caused by a lack of integrity.

So, to all you moms and dads out there, this word of advice: Independence is a byproduct of integrity. Teach your sons and your daughters the inestimable value of integrity. A good parent sets rules and a good example!

This Choice Is Not an Option

"Choices are important." When I was raising my older children, there was no such thing as choice; they did it --whatever it was --or they suffered the consequences. The voice in the training video now instructed me to offer choices. "Are you going to clean your room now, or are you going to do your homework?" As I considered this "new" way of approaching parenting, I recalled how exhausting my earlier days of parenting were. Yes, I was working, and raising children, and homeschooling, and struggling with who I was, and trying to keep up with erroneous standards, and all of that; but how many problems of my own did I create by simply barking out orders and expecting them to be done to my liking? How many times did I take something that would have required fifteen minutes of my self-control and attention, and turn it into a relationship-busting, vein-popping, DEFCON One Level afternoon of frustration and tears? Choices are important. They teach a child how to make choices by allowing them to experience the consequences of those choices. They teach a child they are respected and gently safeguarded by their parent, in their home. They teach a child time management. They teach a child that there are things to be done, not burdens to crush them. They teach a child the importance of self-control through the living example of a self-controlled parent. Choices are important to children of all ages.

Our Father God gives each one of His children choices as well. We are given resources to steward: time, relationships, finances, skills, opportunities, knowledge, etc. "Are you going to abuse the time I've given you by scrolling social media, or are you going to write that text to encourage your sister?" God allows the consequences of our choices to perfect us in that area. Knowing that God has generously given us the resource of time, for instance, but loves us enough to call us to account for our usage, demonstrates His loving care for us and His protection of us. And He calls us to more than we are willing or able to see for ourselves. Allowing us to choose teaches us how to best manage the resources He has given. How long will the family sit quietly at an empty table if I choose to sleep in rather than go to work? I need to manage my time more prudently to avoid a mutiny. The choice and its consequences are solely on me. In essence, God tells His children, "Here is what is best for you, but you are free to choose the other." He does not desire to crush us; poor choices will eventually do that. We follow His Spirit's direction, His example in Jesus Christ, His "advice," if you will, in Torah, and we see self-control in action. It's all a choice: we choose to pursue, to be made better by His grace, to obey, or we don't. But is it optional?

Not if you've made a choice. We are free to sit back and allow time to pass; but eternal life is just as much a quality of life as a quantity of life. If we choose to do nothing, we get nothing. If we choose to squander the resources God gives us, they will be gone, and squander, by definition means with nothing to show for them. No lessons learned, no transformation of character, nothing of any eternal value to bring to account. Not much of an option, is it? At least, it's nothing I'd like to regard as optional. By choosing to follow the Spirit's direction, the example of Jesus, and the tenets of Scripture, we change the course and the quality of our lives and the lives of those around us. And because we live in a world that is counter to those things, we've got to stand passionately and soberly by our choice; that means reckoning our choice as being not optional. The choice to go against the cultural current cannot be optional. It's going to take everything we've got and the powerful grace of our Redeemer and Defender to keep us in the way. We can't hop on and off the "eternity train" whenever it suits and expect to get where we are called to go. Choices are important, but what is equally important is cleaving to and esteeming the choice without option.

A Marriage Made in Heaven

After a night of tossing, turning, kicking, and shoving, I was ready to show my husband the inside of a pine box. Okay, maybe not a pine box, but definitely alternate sleeping accommodations. We'd reserved a room with two Queen beds for a recent trip we made. Normally, sleeping in an unfamiliar place in a bed smaller and less made-to-order than ours at home makes things a little uncomfortable, but this night was exceptionally torturous. By early morning, I'd grown so tired of hugging the edge of the bed and still being pushed and prodded, when Scott made an attempt to move my arm one last time, I resisted with all I had yet continued to feign sleep. Eventually he capitulated and I listened intently as he readjusted. Once I was sure he was settled...Five...Four...Three...Two...One...I pulled my arm back, far to my side of the bed. Aaaaah, the revenge was sweet!

When less than an hour later, the grey light of a rainy morning began creeping through the window, I decided I'd had enough. I quietly dressed, grabbed my books, and headed outdoors to have my quiet time with Jesus. As I read my morning Scriptures, I realized the relationship I want with Jesus is the relationship I have with my husband. Yes, he drives me crazy. No, I don't always agree with him. And, obviously, we have our issues. But there is absolutely no one else I'd rather do life with. I don't look at other men. I don't look at other couples and think, "They seem so much happier than we are." I don't wake up in the morning and say, "Alright, well, let me go do this hard thing called marriage." Times are difficult and things certainly don't always go as we'd like, but we are in this for better or for worse. We are one. 

Oh, how I long to say that about my Savior and me! Most times I'm trying to get things right or focused on how wrong I've gotten them instead of enjoying our relationship. While I'm looking in the fridge, seeing what's been provided, and planning meals my husband will enjoy around what's available, it's an entirely different approach in my relationship with my Lord. With Jesus, I tend to whine. Here's what I don't have. Why can't I do this? I'm not just calmly, quietly, gratefully using what I have to please Him, but rather taking the approach that if I had this or that, I'd be better equipped to bring an offering. Do I think He doesn't know what's in "the fridge???"

Then there are the sleeping arrangements. Before we head off to bed, Scott and I usually enjoy some downtime together. He watches television while I read, or we choose something to watch or read together. It's a team sport, and I enjoy these moments together, when the business of the day has been laid aside. But my relationship with Jesus is not like this. I'm busy, busy, busy. Take the time to sit quietly in His presence?! Who will do the dishes or plan the week's events? I can't just sit. What will I do when I sit? Okay, maybe I'll sit for a bit...after I do this one thing. What sort of relationship is that? It's the winding down, the quiet, the stillness that brings my husband and I together. If I ever wonder why I don't have the relationship with Jesus that I have with Scott, perhaps that is why --I've not acquiesced to His command to rest.

And it is in those moments when I am 100%, undeniably, comfortably human, uniquely me, that I am most grateful for Scott. Of all the people I know, he has loved me best, most honestly, most patiently, most intimately. I have failed him and felt terrible that I failed him; I have asked for forgiveness and been moved to never do "that" again. But I've not tip-toed around, or presented some false self to him, or continued to bring up my infraction or my resolve to avoid it in the future; I get back in the race (or confess my clandestine plot for revenge), and we move on. As great as my husband is, however, how can I not allow the forgiveness and grace of my perfect Savior to envelop me the same way? How can I not know that He loves me even more than my husband --all of me, the 4AM vengeful me, the trying to get things right me, the self-pitying me, the whining me, the hurried and deflecting me? How can I think that He wants anything but for me to get back in the race, confess my lack, and move on with Him leading the way? How can I think my Groom wants His bride to be anything other than one with Him?

   

Midweek: What Do You Want from Jesus?

As we read the Gospels, the portrait of Jesus that unfolds is one of a gentle, compassionate man and a mighty, sovereign God. To give more weight to His humanity than His divinity is to have an inaccurate picture of Jesus the Christ, our Lord. As we seek Him today, may we seek all of Him. May we long to know Him fully and accurately, not simply chasing, as some have, after those things with which we hope He will provide us. Shusaku Endo, in his work, A Life of Jesus, captures the limitations of such a search:

The copious miracle stories in the Synoptic Gospels as well as in John bring home to us the sad fact that the crowd sought nothing more than the threadbare question of whether Jesus did or did not perform the miracles. Behind these miracle stories we sense the lonely figure of Jesus himself, standing quietly in the crowd of people demanding nothing but corporeal wonders.

Jesus did not reject these kinds of sick and crippled people. On the contrary, the Gospels clearly relate how with his disciples he went to the valley of the lepers, whom other people detested, and how he visited the hovel of a man who suffered the agonies of malaria. The lepers in those days used to shave their heads, they wore distinctive dress, and they were put away at a distance from any towns or villages. They called out a warning when anybody approached. Jesus walked through the mountain coves and the gullies where these forsaken lepers were forced to live. He wanted to restore their healthy bodies. He wanted to restore to the blind the use of their eyes. He wanted to make the lame walk. He wanted to bring back a lost child to a bereaved mother.

But a look of sadness came to his eyes when he could not do it. He held the hand of a leper, or a lame man, and he pleaded earnestly his desire to take upon himself their misery and pain. He asked for a share in their suffering, a chance to be partners with them. But the lepers and the cripples were hoping only to be healed. They came pleading to Jesus: "Cure us! Cure us!"

What are we to make of these exclamations of Jesus, which the Gospels have left us along with the miracle narratives? "You seek for a sign, but no sign shall be given except the sign of the sign of the prophet Jonah" (Matthew 12:39). "Why does this generation ask for a sign?" (Mark 8:12). "Unless you see signs and wonders you will not believe" (John 4:48). "Blessed are those who have not seen me and yet believe" (John 20:29). 

The realistic pathos in these words of Jesus, preserved for us in the Gospels, comes from the fact that the people appearing before him were looking not for "love" but for signs and wonders. They wanted only quick and tangible benefits.

~ Shusaku Endo

A Life of Jesus