Midweek: Right Between the "I"s

"I can't, Dude!" we heard our youngest declare. He was on the phone with friends who were playing online games shortly before bedtime. "I had my electronics time today," he explained. "I'm not allowed to use them after 7:30." Apparently, he was getting some pushback from the other end of the line. "A good parent sets rules!" I finally heard him assert. I couldn't have been more pleased or more grateful. 

Integrity is a word we've used quite frequently with our young man, and it seems to be taking root. Integrity is a wholeness of being, a purity in which all parts line up perfectly. Thoughts match words which match actions; a being is of the same sound mind no matter the circumstances. It is an important quality in leadership. Integrity is moral uprightness, intellectual uprightness, and social uprightness. The leader with integrity may not get it right all the time, but has a natural inclination toward serving others with every part of their life, and makes decisions that are reliable and difficult. Isn't that what we dream for our sons? Stand up for what is right. Tell the truth. Defend the weak. Do not bend in the face of opposition.

When was the last time you spoke to your daughters about integrity, though? I think our western world is more likely to teach our daughters about another "I," independence. You don't need a man. You can do anything you put your mind to do. Be strong. And I'm beginning to discover we're pretty wrong about all that. Integrity seeks balance and consistency. It's more than just behaving rightly, saying the right things; integrity comes from within and promotes independence. I believe, all this teaching our daughters "independence" stuff has produced some shallow, self-seeking, self-serving, unstable, and unreliable women of questionable character. Like putting the cart before the horse, as they say. Genuine independence is more than surviving on your own or climbing the ladder despite naysayers. It takes a strong woman, willing to disregard opinions and falsehoods, to stand up authentically. To practice independence, one must have integrity first. The idea of putting up a big fat middle finger to "the patriarchy" (as feminists like to call it) is not only childish, but virtually impossible. We need the contributions of men and women to continue and thrive as a society. If we didn't, God would have created Adam or Eve and called it a day. 

Quick story, in 1989, I took a job in a male-dominated industry run by "The Old Boy Network," or so I was told. As women, specifically, demanded greater advantages and recognition, the work environment deteriorated. Accountability waned and disrespect grew. People --all people and especially women --were no longer treated as valuable individuals with unique perspectives, but were now numbers, white noise in a sea of sameness. A culture of teamwork was replaced by a culture of offense; a workplace that used to consist of everyone bringing their best to the table became a workplace in which some were entitled or perceived to be entitled without really having much to offer. The equitable presence of females in workspaces was supported by physiology and quotas -- "helps" --not at all the true strength and independence of the women present. Rather than the type of character that comes from women with integrity --consistently good performance despite circumstances --we got a workforce of qualifiers, not the qualified.

I say all of this because I see many young women out here floundering and pretending. I'm supposed to be strong; I'm supposed to be independent, but how do I do that without being tethered to others? Without integrity they are unable to practice independence. Without some depth of character, without balance, with their moral, intellectual, and social selves dis-integrated, they are grasping at straws to survive --using people, navel-gazing, and flitting from one sexual encounter to another to provide themselves (they hope) with what they need. That's not independence. Quite the opposite, that's dependence caused by a lack of integrity.

So, to all you moms and dads out there, this word of advice: Independence is a byproduct of integrity. Teach your sons and your daughters the inestimable value of integrity. A good parent sets rules and a good example!