I Want to See!

"What do you want Me to do for you?"

Imagine Jesus walking through the streets of your neighborhood. The crowd is stacked three-deep curbside. His people -- throngs of them -- are following close behind. His reputation as a healer and life-giver has preceded His visit, and you anxiously await your first glimpse of Him -- oh, wait! Not a glimpse at all. You have been blind since birth. But the crowd is going crazy; the noise is deafening. You know, He is here! So you begin to call Him, as loudly as you are able: "Son of David, Jesus, have mercy on me!" Those around you try to hush you; your cries are drowning out the crowd. But you know He is the One. "Have mercy on me, Son of David!" And Jesus tells His disciples, "Call him." What?! Really? He is asking for me? You immediately throw off your bulky long coat; you move toward Him as fast as you can. Your hands probing the crowd in front of you, your feet shuffling. And suddenly you feel His warm strong hands in yours. He draws you close, presses His forehead to yours, so you can hear His every word:

"What do you want Me to do for you?"

This morning, I was reading the account of blind Bartimaeus in Mark 10. And Jesus' question, as open-ended, as incomprehensibly blessed as it is, is not what got me. It was Bartimaeus' response:

"Rabbouni, I want to see!" Bartimaeus didn't tell Jesus, "I want You to heal me," which would have been the grammatically, contextually correct answer to the question. Bartimaeus responded from the depths of his heart. What did he want most in life? "I want to see!" His answer came out impulsively, spontaneously, unrehearsed. His answer was grounded in complete faith Jesus would give him just what He asked; Jesus was fully capable and Jesus was fully willing.

If Jesus appeared before me one afternoon as I was paying bills, and asked, "What do you want me to do for you?", how would I respond? I'm sure I would say something like, "Pay this bill'" or "Drop some cash into our checking account, please." Pay this bill? Pay this bill, really? One lousy electric bill? Is that all I believe He is capable of or willing to do for me? "Drop some cash..." What? I'm going to tell Him how to do it now? Maybe I should remember to "pray" the account number to Him just so there's no confusion. There are no limits on Jesus! Bartimaeus certainly didn't limit Him: "I want to see!" He didn't ask for his vision to improve a bit, or ask for Jesus to heal one eye. He didn't ask Jesus to give the doctors wisdom to know how to heal him. Bartimaeus spoke from the depths of his heart and made himself available to whatever Jesus wanted to do -- or wanted him to do, in order that he might see. He wanted transformation, and fully trusted Jesus to make it happen. "I want to be cancer-free!" "I want to be married!" "I want to be sober!" These are transformative, intimate, limitless, honest responses to what Jesus offers. These are the answers of one who wants more than change -- they want to be changed.

Just a few verses before, John Mark (probably) recounts an incident in which small children were rushing to meet Jesus. Jesus' disciples began turning them away -- after all, what would a teacher like Jesus want with a bunch of kids? But Jesus welcomes them, teaching those who heard that childlike faith is what is required to enter the kingdom of God (Mark 10:15). Bartimaeus was a perfect example of "childlike faith." Have you ever heard a father ask his child as they stand there listening for the carillon call of the ice cream truck: "What do you want me to do for you?"? "Oh, dearest, best, strongest Father (sort of like the rich young ruler in Mark 10:17), I would really appreciate it if you could reach into your wallet and remove the necessary funds to buy some ice cream for me. And, if you have found favor with me, perhaps I could have some jimmies on it. I could work really hard next week and repay you." NO!! "I want ice cream! -- with jimmies!" is what that child says. Simple. Childlike. No pretense. Fully confident. And fully aware that Dad is asking because he intends to give him just what he wants. Dad is capable of giving his child just what he wants. And Dad wants to see the confidence, the enthusiasm, the adoration on his child's face when he blurts out, fully yielded and fully invested, his answer to his father. "I want to see!"

What is it you want? What transformation is your hearts desire? Your Heavenly Father already knows what is in your heart before it is even on your lips. He is able to give good gifts far beyond those we ask from even our earthly fathers. What do you want Jesus to do for you?

  “'Go your way,' Jesus told him. 'Your faith has healed you.' Immediately he could see and began to follow Him on the road." Mark 10:52

Ah, Leah

Ok, it's time to get down to business here. I've started writing this post about four times. Each time I do, I fall into distraction; not because I don't know where I'm going with this, but because I was there when MTV was born. Yup, that's my story. You see, I graduated high school just as MTV was blasting it's way into living rooms all over the country; they actually played music videos then. One such video was "Ah! Leah!" by Donnie Iris; it was as bad as they come, but the tune became his signature. So, as I was reading the account of Jacob, Leah and Rachel the other morning, and as this post began to form in my head, so did Donnie and the rest of the 80s: Red Rider, The Knack, Aldo Nova. I digress.

That decade was truly a turning point in my life. I had my entire adulthood before me. Fresh out of school, a couple of full-time jobs, my own wheels -- I was free! I wasn't going to have one more person tell me what to do. And I wasn't going to sit behind some desk learning more useless stuff and wasting time. I was going to make money. I was going to make cool friends. I was going to make something of myself by getting out there and doing things...

Like going to work everyday. Partying every night. How long before that gets old? Not long. So along comes this guy. He's nice, responsible, likes to have fun. Nice Guy and I hit it off, and before you know it we're heading down the aisle. But it's not long before I am bored again, the party life comes calling and my marriage ends in a scandal and a hail of lies. I vow I am never going back there again...

I've always thought I was trying to punish myself, but now I'm not so sure. I moved in with this guy. Definitely Wrong Guy, but there I was. More drinking, more drugs. But no lies this time -- Wrong Guy would have killed me. Literally. So I toe the line. Until one night I barely escape with my life. No dignity, but I have what's left of my life. It's not much, because somewhere along the line I've lost all my friends as well. And I've really not made a whole lot of myself but a mess. I am never going back to a life like that again...

The dust had barely settled before I found myself heading to the movies with Knight in Shining Armor. We had so much in common. Maybe too much. There were issues. His and Hers. We were so busy comparing how our tragedies had "unfolded," we never considered fixing the people who'd been forging them -- I'm not certain we realized we had a choice. But I was trying to find in him what I'd been looking for in all my other failures: self-worth. A second walk down the aisle; a second expensive lesson eleven years later. I would never do that again...

And this time I really wouldn't. I was following Jesus -- I mean genuinely following Him; not just going to church, trying to shoehorn my way into heaven. I trusted Jesus as my husband, and God as my Heavenly Father. I began reading His Word and believing what it said. I began talking to Him honestly and often. And He began to show me I would never find self-worth in a man, or the things I did for a man. That's where Leah comes in. (That would be Genesis Leah, not 1980's Leah.)

If you take a minute to read the passage, you will see the story of a woman who'd been sold to Jacob by her father. Jacob didn't even want her -- he thought he was purchasing her beautiful sister, Rachel. Leah wanted so desperately to be loved by a man. To be cherished and adored by her husband, her father, someone who would validate her worth. And the baby wars began. With each labor, Leah strained in hope her husband would finally esteem her. But as it happens when we search for our worth outside of the cross, things got ugly; Leah got ugly -- even "purchasing" her husband for the price of some food. As a little girl, did Leah ever dream she'd end up like this? Probably not. I know I didn't.

The quest to be someone, to be loved by others, to have someone else call us beautiful or valuable or beloved, can lead people to do things they would have never done otherwise. And in some cases, it can make matters much worse: promiscuity, financial burdens, self-mutilation, substance abuse, failed relationships, suicidal thoughts. As I reread Leah's story, I looked back to the person I was decades ago, the person I remained for decades after. I view that young woman with a certain amount of disgust and an enormous amount of sympathy. I was merely looking for the things we all seek: love and worth, And, while my goals were worthwhile, the problem stemmed from the search I was on. Like looking for treasure in a landfill, we sometimes expect others to tell us how much we are worth. And, by God's grace, they sometimes do. But if I'd had the chance to speak to Leah; if I'd had the chance to sit 80's Judi down for a little talking-to; when I do have the chance to talk to young women, I tell them to look in the pages of God's Word, sit in silence before a loving Heavenly Father, and discover your worth as the daughter of a King.

Doubters Welcome... To Go!

The Great Commission: "Go therefore and make disciples of all the nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, teaching them to observe all things that I have commanded you..." What Christian hasn't at least heard of it before? But what are the circumstances leading up to it? Jesus' betrayal, His death, and resurrection? Sure, but what were the immediate circumstances?

Matthew 29:16-17 "Then the eleven disciples went away into Galilee, to the mountain which Jesus had appointed for them. When they saw Him, they worshiped Him; but some doubted." They saw Him. They worshiped Him. Some doubted.

Doubted? Christians don't doubt. Do they? 

I can remember Saturday afternoon TV when I was a child. Six whole channels and nothing on. From time to time though, I'd be content enough to sit with my mom and watch the Joy of Painting; the talented Bob Ross quietly, gently assuring us of our hidden artistic talents: just follow his lead. He'd begin with the most nondescript blob of paint, make a few inconsequential brushstrokes and invoke his palette for the next blob. Within ten minutes the most beautiful landscape would appear. Within twenty, a village full of people working in the glow of a brilliant sunrise. By the end of the show, it all made perfect sense; a masterpiece was born! 

As Christians, our life with Jesus can be something like the Joy of Painting. Why, just this morning, as I was calling the body shop's manager a "knucklehead" -- yeah, it was not my noblest of moments. Long story short: an accident I was in three years ago has come back to haunt me. And it hasn't gotten any better. The customer dissatisfaction I experienced three years ago is still my current situation. The expense and inconvenience I incurred three years ago are still as expensive and inconvenient today. I've had it. The thing is, I cannot for the life of me understand why all this went down. Now, I'll grant you, this is hardly enough to make one doubt her faith, but take a few of these scenarios, string 'em all together, and it can be enough. Enough to make one wonder if the God she serves really cares. Enough to make one wonder if the God she relies on is really as mighty as He says. Enough to make one wonder if God's promises are true. Enough to make one wonder if "walking the walk" is worth the restraint it takes to keep from doing things her own way. But just as Bob would reveal so much beauty one ugly blob of paint at a time, the landscape of my life has not yet been perfectly revealed; the Master is still at work, whether I fully understand all that goes on or not. And just as I trusted for thirty minutes -- a lifetime to a rambunctious eight year old -- that a skilled professional would transform a blank canvas into a spectacle of beauty, my "eight year old" heart can trust The Artist even in times of doubt.

Doubt goes hand in hand with humanity. And we can doubt most strongly the things we believe with the most certainty. But it's that doubt that can sometimes get us to see things from a different angle; to start asking the questions that help us to see things in a new light. Notice in this passage, just before The Great Commission, doubt is nothing more than a passing acknowledgment. No fire and brimstone. No excommunication.  Not even a strong talking-to. Just three words. The human condition; and it doesn't scare Jesus.

And then, they were told to get out there and make disciples. Yep, even the doubters. Perfect faith, unwavering certainty not required. There's not a one of us who is perfect. Whether we're snapping at someone who doesn't deserve it, or wondering if God has forgotten us, we are all human. And we are all loved. God never requires us to be disciples or to make disciples in our own strength. That's why all were sent -- even those who had doubted. Jesus wants us to serve Him and spread His Gospel in spite of the questions we ask. The important thing is, we trust The Master and heed His command to go.

Maybe I Should Start a Fight

Tomorrow my truck is headed to the body shop AGAIN. Almost three years ago I was in an accident in which my poor old truck was damaged so heavily they wanted to total it. Upon thorough inspection they changed their minds, did the work, and spared me a car payment. They did not, however, spare us a two month ordeal simply to get my vehicle back in some sort of shape so as to appear as though the shop had tried to do the work properly. A few months back I ran into someone who urged me to seek out the new management of the shop and ask them to make good on the repairs. So we did. I'm not sure either of us is hopeful this will not be just another fight (primarily the reason we accepted the work as it was done/ undone three years ago).

I've always been told to choose my battles -- something that for many years I was not good at. I was a fighter; I knew things should be a certain way, or I thought things should be a certain way, and I determined to make them that way. These days I'm pretty strong, but I'm not a fighter. American society, and maybe even the world, is losing its desire for excellence; I just don't seem to have what it takes to combat that. People do just enough to move the job past their station on the assembly line, never thinking about the station after theirs and the person waiting; never thinking about the end product. Others are looking to burn the plant to the ground, collect the insurance money and walk away with an easy buck. I suppose that by not hitting the big red button, by not stopping the line, by not speaking out and saying, "Hey, folks, we can't keep churning out substandard work!" or "We need to do the right thing!", I have become part of the problem. I get it, though -- I really do. Where is the reward or even the benefit of doing great work when everyone else is doing just what they need to do to get by? And some of those mastering in mediocrity are getting by pretty well! while others struggle, giving it their all.

The reality of it is, in this world there's very little reward. At least not the type that comes with doing the right thing, or demonstrating character, or doing your best, or even fighting for what is right. Ours has become a temporary society: quality, lasting a lifetime is passé. Disposable, "the next new thing," constant reinvention is where it's at. And I think it's getting to us all.

Some have quietly conceded defeat, stepping back and letting the rest of society do its thing as they do "just enough." Some, not so quietly fight, stepping out of the masses to call others back to "the way things used to be." Some have stepped in line behind the piper, stuffing one hand in their pocket, and their other hand into someone else's. And some work steadily, dutifully, faithfully as if nothing has changed. So, which are you? Which am I?

To be honest, it depends on the situation. I have been guilty of all of the above. But who do I want to be? And why? On this, a day of helping and making a difference, I'd like to say I aspire toward change; to hitting the big red button, calling all of us to excellence again. But that requires fighting, and sometimes I'm not sure how much fight I have left in me for those things. I certainly don't want to burn the place down or do just enough, passing my problems on to the next person on the line. I tend to lean toward "being the change I wish to see;" working steadily, dutifully, faithfully "as unto the Lord and not unto men," leaving others to raise their voices. I'm not sure if that's a bit of a cop out or not.

But in these times, when the welfare system and the legal system are for some nothing more than an easy payday; when "See something, say something" is hushed by "Snitches get stitches;" when hard work and excellence is something reserved strictly for suckers; when status and income outweigh common sense and kindness; when sticking our heads in the sand is much more comfortable and appealing than sticking our necks out, let us all ask ourselves, "Isn't it time I start a fight?"