Just One Question...

Genesis 50:20 (NIV)

"You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives."

Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV)

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

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"What could possibly be God's plan for allowing an innocent child to suffer?" he asked.

First of all, outside of Jesus, no one is innocent.  Unless referring to a specific crime, and bound by the criteria of America's legal system, strike that word from your daily vocabulary.  Having said that...

I was sexually molested by a family member some time around the age of eleven.  Someone I trusted implicitly; someone on whom I depended, and with whom I spent a good portion of my time.  Someone who had propelled me toward salvation, and represented to me what it meant to be a Christian.  Someone who perhaps, did not intend to "harm" me -- specifically -- but acted no less irresponsibly and selfishly.  In so doing, they left me with shame, confusion, self-loathing, and a host of other feelings I cannot begin to describe in such a limited setting.  Fear and a feeling of loyalty kept me bound to "our little secret" for many years.  Being unable to confide in anyone and watching this person go through life, publicly and painlessly, tore at me. 

At 15 or so, I began to show signs of resentment, anger and rebellion.  When pressed for an explanation, I cracked.  I confessed the entire thing to someone else I trusted, someone I thought surely would help.  "Oh, Judi, you're lying!"  Those words are as alive to me today as if they held breath.  My face still burns and I find my jaw tightening even now, at the helplessness and humiliation that came over me that day.  With those four words a second, more debilitating betrayal was accomplished.

I had already developed an eating disorder.  The years after that were spent in addictive behaviours and sin -- choices I made.  I struggled to control and fix everyone but myself. 

Today, GOD HAS THE VICTORY!

I happily, exclusively reserve the #1 place in my heart for my God and King.  I am in love with Him, and falling more deeply in love everyday.  I will proclaim His grace, and mercy, and redemption and, not just restoration, but abundance, to any who will listen, and even some that won't.

I am loved by the most wonderful man in the whole world.  He is my best friend, my confidant and champion; he desires to spend the rest of his life with me.  Who am I to refuse? ;-)

God has blessed me with the large family I have always desired.  Though some are not with us, I love them no less.  They are being kept from us by the hands of man; God is not bound by that.

Those human beings who acted harmfully toward me?  Those who failed me, just as I have failed others in my life?  Those who succumbed to their humanity and sinful natures, just as we all do?  Forgiven -- just as we have been forgiven.  Forgiven, not because they deserved it.  Forgiven, not because I am "the bigger person" (how I hate that expression anymore).  Forgiven because God has claimed His victory!

The flushed face, the tightened jaw?  Remnants of a pain so great, of a confusion so deep, of a disappointment so consuming, of a shame so incarcerating -- remnants I pray God never removes.

Because, when he asks again,

"What could possibly be God's plan for allowing an innocent child to suffer?"

I never want to forget I am blessed enough to KNOW the answer.

Vacation... All I Ever Wanted

What an incredible couple of weeks it has been!  Now I know, according to my last post on August 7, it has only been about five days, but that's the beauty of modern technology -- I can post days, even weeks ahead, and schedule them to post in the future.  So, technically, I could be stinking and dead but still posting on Brokentobreathless -- oh, the literality!

So, the last two weeks... Well, let me do one of those TV-type recaps for you:

I have been lied to and lied about.  I have heard some of the best sermons I've heard in my life, and read one of the worst books to ever undergo publishing.  I have screamed with exhuberance, and been screamed at with a fear and sadness only deep emotional disorder can explain.  My heart has broken for my children; my heart has burst with love for them, and joy with them.   I have stood laughing while a gallon of milk swirled and dissipated into a fresh rain puddle in the Pathmark parking lot, and stood crying while my family united their hearts in prayer in a church parking lot.  I have witnessed betrayal and deception so convoluded and evil I have questioned even how to pray; I have felt true love so deep it has moved me to tears and implicit belief in its existence.  I have been enraged by those who erect their comic reputations on making others -- specifically Christians -- look utterly foolish and depraved; I have experienced Christian life -- with all its victories and failures -- on a level I pray continues to rise with each new storm.  Our children have reached new heights in maturity and wisdom; our children have found themselves firmly entrenched in childhood, with all its irrational worries and bouts of faintheartedness.  We have been separated by 1100 miles, and only days later, tirelessly sang our way home from a fabulous family outing.  I've heard the quiet of a sleeping household at dawn, and the cacophany of every moment thereafter.  I have revelled in the "plainness" of life and all its vicissitude. 

That, Dear Aristotle, is The Good Life!

The BIG Finish

Daniel 2:1-23

Ever had one of those dreams that left you feeling as if it really happened?  You wake up with tears in your eyes or an uneasy feeling that you can't quite explain.  Well, King Nebuchadnezzar had just such a dream; problem was, he couldn't quite remember what it was all about.  He may have seen a glimpse or two through his mind's eye -- probably enough to recognize it if he'd had some sort of subconscious DVR, but not enough to relate it to anyone.  So he calls his magicians, and astrologers, and so forth.

I picture them, rushing in wearing their robes of finest linen, embellished maybe, with precious jewels -- eagerly anticipating yet another chance to please their king with sycophantic rhetoric and fortuitous prognostication.  Their wicked little hearts racing with the thrill of the reward they will receive upon successfully earning the "king of king's" favor.

“May the king live forever! Tell your servants the dream, and we will interpret it.”

The king replied to the astrologers, “This is what I have firmly decided: If you do not tell me what my dream was and interpret it, I will have you cut into pieces and your houses turned into piles of rubble.  But if you tell me the dream and explain it, you will receive from me gifts and rewards and great honor. So tell me the dream and interpret it for me.”

Huh?  Tell you the dream?  You see, that's not how this usually works.  You have to tell us the dream, then we tell you what it means.  Got it?  OK, let's try this again (probably with much less enthusiasm this time): “Let the king tell his servants the dream, and we will interpret it.”

But no.  That's not what Nebuchadnezzar desired.  All his boot-licking, kow-towing, self-seeking hangers-on were about to be cut into little pieces.  So they start back-pedalling, tripping over their tongues to talk their way out of this one. 

"Don't you see, King?  Mighty and great kings know how this works.  They would never put to serious practitioners such a silly, outrageous task!  Surely you are not a fool!"  (My own paraphrase, sure, but I think that's the gist)

That did it!  King Nebuchadnezzar snapped.  He ordered the execution of all his wise men -- even those not present.  Now the text really doesn't specify, but my guess is, the greedy little in-house "wise" men were the first ones to go.  By the time the assassins went looking for David and his friends, I'm sure the minions who had stood before Nebuchadnezzar, singing his praises a short time before, were fish food.

I'm going to fast-forward just a bit, because I think there is a contrast here that, until I read this today, never really struck me before.  Sure, Daniel stepped up to the plate because he knew God was in control.  Sure, he let his buddies in on it so they could pray and be redeemed, as well.  And sure, God honored His servants, and gave Daniel a vision of just what the king had seen -- along with it, a not-so fortuitous interpretation.  But, what did Daniel do after receiving God's wisdom? 

Praised God.  Praised Him -- it says, "then" -- immediately.  He didn't seek out a royal emissary; he didn't rush to gather up his friends and head on over to Nebuchadnezzar's place with the good news.  He praised God.  While the agents of Nebuchadnezzar entered his presence grovelling and sucking-up to him (and we see where that got them), Daniel remained true to his God -- the One and Only Living and True God.  And he finished the task!  Not by relaying the message, necessarily, but by praising God for His goodness and mercy!  Our praise is the closing to the letter, the test pattern on the screen, the fat lady's song, the big wrap-up.  Until we praise God for what He has done or allowed us to do -- it ain't over!

I asked God for something the other day.  I'd lost a gift card.  Silly, really, but I know He cares.  I found the gift card.  I breathed a sigh of relief and sort of shook my head at my foolishness (I'd put it somewhere for safe-keeping) and kept right on rolling.  Minutes later, as I was pondering my own "senior moment," I remembered what Daniel never forgot:

  “Praise be to the name of God for ever and ever;
wisdom and power are his.
He changes times and seasons;
he deposes kings and raises up others.
He gives wisdom to the wise
and knowledge to the discerning.
He reveals deep and hidden things;
he knows what lies in darkness,
and light dwells with him.
I thank and praise you, God of my ancestors:
You have given me wisdom and power,
you have made known to me what we asked of you,
you have made known to us the dream of the king.”

Seeking the Son Light

"The Lamb is the light thereof."—Revelation 21:23. 

Whatever darkness has passed across your way, “the Lamb is the light thereof.”  Just as the cloud stands between us and the light of the sun, the cares and troubles of life can keep us from the light of The Lamb.  The light forever remains, we have just entered a place where we can no longer receive it.  The darker the cloud, the heavier the gloom; the larger the veil, the longer we can remain in its shadow.  Step into the Light! 

Jesus does not seek to look on our pain as insignificant.  He does not chide us for encountering trouble, rather He tells us we will have trouble in this world.  (Jn. 16:33)  He promises us that He has overcome this world’s malaise, malfunction, perverseness, and shadows.  He tells us to take courage; take courage because if we are in Him, we too have overcome these things.  We should be living in victory over the clouds of this world that seek to keep us hidden from the light of The Lamb!

Are you dealing with a spouse who can no longer seem to overcome her addiction?  Whose behaviour is taking its toll on every aspect of your life?  Are the responsibilities of family life falling squarely on your shoulders as you struggle to find and save the bride with whom you are still so deeply in love?  Jesus has light for your fearful and broken heart.

Have your beautiful, innocent grandchildren been torn apart by a hateful divorce?  Have they been used and manipulated by one parent against the other?  Does your heart break for them?  Have you been denied the right to bring them with you to church?  The light of The Lamb exposes the darkness of Satan's lies and the work of his demons.

Has your sister betrayed the trust of your aging parents?  Has she seized control of their assets, your inheritance, and family memories?  Has she adopted a sense of entitlement that leaves you baffled, and misused your parents' kindness in a way that has left them penniless?  Run toward the Light!  Jesus holds your parents today; He loves them and cares for them when it is beyond your ability.

When darkness looms over your head, when it holds you in its dispassionate and calamitous grip -- Jesus, the Lamb is the light.  Trust in Him.  Abide in Him.  He is faithful to lead you and prosper you when there seems to be no hope.   Do not fix your eye on the cover overhead, but search in earnest for the light that pierces through even the darkest of circumstances.