Grief and Wholeness

I am nearing an anniversary. It's not one of those WHOHOO! it's our anniversary! types. It's more of remembrance. A remembrance of the day someone important to this world passed into a place where she is much better off, but we are at a loss. I am nearing the date that one year ago my mother went to be with her Lord and Savior, Jesus. And I just thought I'd share some of the things I've learned about grief over that year.

I discovered our society just might be doing grief wrong. Someone passes, and what do we do? We are taught to bake casseroles and assure the living we will be there if they "need anything." What they need --what I needed, was someone to say, "Sit your tuchus down and feel this." It's counterintuitive. We don't want those we love to hurt. We don't want them to remain in the pain. And we certainly don't want to stand by helplessly as they do. And as those grieving, we've seen that slippery slope; we know that person who lost a spouse and "was never the same." Digging through layers and layers of loss --the loss of a friend, the loss of the plans we had, the loss of a battle with cancer, the loss of someplace to go a couple times a week (even if it was a hospital), the loss of ties with her family or her neighbors --by taking the time to contemplate the layers of loss, we may prepare our hearts for, at least, some of those twinges we experience as we will go through life without that person. When Mom passed, there was far more loss than I realized. Taking the time to mine the depths of my mother's death might have braced me for the emptiness that threatened to overwhelm me months later. More than just missing the person, I missed everything about life with her in it: visits with her, my friend who visited her with me, Mom's roommates, the staff on her floor, researching activities for those in cognitive decline, reading poetry to her, our walks. As the laundry list of things and places I missed unfolded aside the roaring absence of my mother, the wound got larger and more painful. Perhaps, if I'd been "trained" to grieve --This is how we do this: we sit and cry and sit some more --I would have been more prepared. 

It would have helped for me to really listen to the words of comfort spoken over me at the time. As condolences were given, I shrugged and said, "She had a long life." I avoided eye contact with those who showed compassion. I dismissed the sympathies because seeing others uncomfortable made me uncomfortable. Here they are, anticipating a carefree trip to Homegoods, when they bump into me. I'm really sorry to hear about your mom. And they are: I don't mean they are being disingenuous. But, at least for a moment, they are reminded of the frailty of their own parent or the loss of a loved one; for the moment, their outing has been sullied by the reality of life in a fallen world. And the smile fades instantly from their faces as "the apothecary sends forth a stinking savor." I hated that part of grieving. But it is truly necessary. The professionals who said to me, "Tell me what you are feeling," or "Tell me why you say that," were not denying the existence of Mom's presence in Heaven, nor were they trying to psychoanalyze me. They were trying to come alongside me and support me as I began to pay attention to that moment. And those who ran into me in parking lots or at church were doing the same thing in a different way. Those words, those sentiments were meant to heal. Dismissing them was like having an infection and not taking my antibiotic. 

Lastly, Jesus teaches us that loss is gain. Paul says, "For me to live is Christ; to die is gain." But loss is also loss. Jesus never meant for us to deny the loss. He wept. He sweated blood in a garden. He overturned tables. He never sinned, and He never denied His humanity. In fact, to deny our emotions would be deceptive, hypocritical; it would declare that what God has created is not good. And, I think, it would make the statement that this person, this mother, this friend, this coworker had no lasting impact on our life at all; that the relationship was impotent, a waste of God's work in placing us together. To feel the loss of another human being in this world is to acknowledge God's power and His plan, to recognize we are all intrinsically linked, responsible for one another. Emotions are the lights on the dashboard, alerting us to the speed at which our lives are passing or the need to be refueled. Emotions signal we are in need of being made whole. 

In her work, The Book of Common Courage, K.J. Ramsey writes:

Can you stomach a Savior 

who felt fear and stress

so acutely that sweat spilled

like drops of blood

from His skin?

Does your theology include

an incarnate God,

whose anxiety was

so great it ruptured

his blood vessels?

If we cannot trace God

in the most human fear,

we won't get to see

him drawing near.

I will not allow myself 

to be less human than Christ.

If we cannot be human,

we cannot be upheld.

So, let us be upheld by the One who catches our tears, let us be comforted by our Good Shepherd, let us see Him drawing near in the moments we allow ourselves to feel pain and grief, and feel the weight of our aloneness. Let us be human that we might be whole.

Midweek: Color Code Bible for Kids, NKJV

Do you want your child or grandchild to read Scripture? I don't think there's a one of us who love Jesus and love a child who haven't wished for some special trick or some revolutionary edition of a child's Bible to whet their thirst for God's Word. Let me just encourage you, prayer is the best way. Having said that, however, we live in a time where options abound when it comes to Bibles. Maybe too many options for those who may be overwhelmed by choices. But if you are thinking of purchasing a Bible for a child you love, this one might be for you.

The latest children's Bible I was given to peruse is Thomas Nelson's Color Code Bible for Kids in the New King James Version. The edition I received is a hardcover, printed in 9 pt. Comfort Print®, though it is available in blue or pink Leathersoft. It is suggested for use by children from 11-13 years of age, but there are new believers, unfamiliar with Scripture, who found its format useful. And that is what makes this Bible different from other Bibles: it's format. 

If you've ever used or owned a Rainbow Bible, you will be reminded of it when you see the Color Code Bible for Kids. Nine colors correspond to nine themes found throughout the Bible:

• GOD highlighted in gold
• JESUS highlighted in red
• SIN highlighted in navy
• SALVATION highlighted in orange
• LOVE highlighted in pink
• WORSHIP highlighted in blue
• GROWTH highlighted in green
• HEAVEN highlighted in purple
• FAMILY highlighted in teal

Some Scriptures are color-coded by these, and the color-coding system is printed in the  footer of each page for easy recognition. One example is Genesis 16:11: And the Angel of the Lord said to her: 'Behold, you are with child, And you shall bear a son. You shall call his name Ishmael, Because the Lord has heard your affliction.' This verse is highlighted in orange to represent the theme of Salvation running throughout the whole of Scripture. Nearby, Genesis 16:7; 17:1; and 18:1 which record the Lord appearing to human beings, are colored red to represent Jesus. Obviously, these correlations are not comprehensive. Genesis 3:15, a well-recognized allusion to Jesus as the Seed, bears no highlight at all, not with regard to Jesus or God's plan of Salvation. Jonah 2:9. where we see Jonah's change of heart, is highlighted green to represent Growth; Psalm 23:4 is as well. However, other key passages (Romans 6:4; James 4:7-10) are not highlighted with regard to Growth or Salvation. In short, the labels assigned to some verses are a little unclear to me, and I'm not entirely sure how I would explain these choices. 

As for the other helps in this Bible, there are articles like What Is the Bible?, a brief overview of the structure and importance of this wonderful book. In another article, Why Did God Give Us the Bible?, the author explains, "God made you because He loves you," one of those self-aggrandizing statements that tend to make me cringe. I would have much preferred the standard Westminster answer: For his own glory. IYKYK. There are other articles: Who Wrote the Bible?, How Should You Read the Bible?, and What Is Special About the Bible? This last article is interesting, and its bent toward trivia might engage a tween or teen. (What's the middle verse in the Bible? in the Old Testament? in the New? What's the longest verse? the longest word? the verse that contains every letter of the alphabet?). There are three different Bible reading plans: 365 Days Through the Bible, 60 Days Through the Story of Scripture, and 30 Days of Getting to Know Jesus, excellent resources for a youth or new believer. There are charts of the miracles and parables of Jesus, journaling pages, and seven color maps. Each book of the Bible is preceded by a brief introduction.

Included in the front matter is an overview of the Bible and its color codes; each theme is explained. I have some theological concerns with these summaries, and I would encourage you, if you are considering purchasing this Bible, you give The Color Code Bible Overview a thorough read-through and be prepared to address anything that might jump out at you. Also, after the colorful presentation page and before the Book of Genesis, is a table of contents, an alphabetical table of abbreviations, and the Highlighted Scripture Index. By theme, coded Scriptures are listed for easy access; readers can easily study verses by concept.    

This Bible is currently available from Amazon for $26.99, at Christian Book (during their present sale) for $18.99, and at FaithGateway (during their present sale) for $19.99. 

Shhhhhh...

7AM, not yet time for every member of the household to be awa-- BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!  A large truck was backing up in our bedroom. Well, not really in, but it sure sounded like it. There is construction going on in our neighborhood, and the sound of it is aggressive.

I'm currently reading Spiritual Disciplines for the Christian Life, by Donald S. Whitney, and of course, on the morning this truck showed up, I was reading about the disciplines of Silence and Solitude. I'd actually considered skipping over this chapter because --well, when it comes to these disciplines, I do not need to be persuaded. I love being alone. I love the quiet. I don't need music. I don't have to speak. In fact, sometimes, leaving my office to simply walk to the kitchen is like jumping into an ice cold bath: no longer safe and insulated, it's BAM! light and expanse and empty chairs to welcome visitors I don't necessarily want... Maybe I'm getting old and surly, like the guy who waits by the window for anyone to set foot on his lawn; but in this season, a season in which we have case workers and agencies in our home regularly, and exhaustive documentation with regard to activities and clothing inventories and medication logs, I'm finding it more important than ever to protect my sacred spaces. I need more quiet than ever. Despite the nearby construction. 

Did you know that Solomon's Temple, as enormous (The Bible describes its highest point as about 20 stories; the inside ceiling was 180 feet long, 90 feet wide, and 50 feet high) and opulent as it was (the choicest stones and wood, cherubim 15 feet high, carvings and gold overlay everywhere!), during its construction, there was not to be any noise of a "hammer or chisel or any iron tool." This was sacred space. A construction site? Yep. 

The practices of Silence and Solitude take place within our hearts. They are momentary opportunities to rest, or appreciate the symphony of God's creation, or feel the stillness of life in our bodies, or listen for the voice of God, or allow your heart to worship while your voice remains silent, or simply be. We learn to train our thoughts on God and control our need to speak. Whitney, the author of Spiritual Disciplines for the Christian Life says:

When you practice silence and solitude you find that you don't need to say many of the things you think you need to say. In silence we learn to rely more on God's control in situations where we would normally feel compelled to speak or speak too much. We find out that He is able to manage situations in which we once thought our input was indispensable.

As we practice Silence and Solitude often, we become more adept at being still, even in chaos, even in cacophony. Peace and control remain with us even as we leave our sacred space and return to our work. 

Initially, finding a suitable place might prove difficult, but it's worthwhile to be diligent, to seek God's creativity in establishing a sacred space. The mother of John and Charles Wesley was known to pull her apron up over her head, signifying to her children she was in her sacred space and not to be disturbed. When caring for my mother who became uneasy when I left her sight, I'd open my laptop at the kitchen table where she was sitting; it allowed her to see me yet still created a psychological "privacy wall" for me to retreat behind in order to pray and be still. Movement may be a part of Silence and Solitude: taking a walk or taking a drive on a long road, stretching. 

We're not looking to create anything but intimacy with God. We're not closing ourselves off from others or breaking off relationships. On the contrary, taking time to be alone with our Savior, to be silent before Him, can improve our labors and the way we relate to others. Our body and spirit receive much needed rest, allowing us to face life refreshed. Our thoughts become more centralized, fixated on our Master, less our own thoughts. We are able to communicate and encourage others more effectively; we can prioritize and plan more efficiently.

So, whatever is taking place in your environment today, take that time to be alone with God and silent before Him. I guarantee you will find the time to be constructive. *groan* 

Without Hope but Never Hopeless

It's hopeless. Have you ever thought that? Or worse, He's hopeless or She's hopeless. We can all get discouraged, can't we? Sometimes, the more we want a thing --even a good thing, the more consumed and miserable we get when it doesn't come to pass. Our hearts long to see someone healed or recovered, but in the meantime, we grow snarky or pushy; we lash out. The burden of wanting has overtaken our spirit, and we lose hope. 

Well, just the other evening, a friend and I were talking about some of the astonishing --and not in a good way --things we see going on in our nation. The unbelievable things people are willing to do, the destructive and disturbing things people believe. As we talked, the phrase "without hope," came to mind. These people are without hope, grasping at straws, doing unthinkable things to save themselves because they see no other way out. In the most extreme cases, they are killing their babies, killing themselves, killing off the person God designed them to be with hormones, surgeries, and delusions. They are killing others with their words and killing in the literal fashion as well. Something within them cries out, Just make it stop! And they believe that by stifling the person or situation or thing before their eyes, their agony will be stopped. They do not see a resolution, do not trust a greater Being to take them through it; they are without hope. Is their hopelessness any different from the hopelessness of those praying they will find a way out of the darkness?

Though they are without hope, they are not hopeless. And we should not be either.

The Bible talks about being without hope. Ephesians 2:12 (ESV) says,

Remember that you were at that time separated from Christ... having no hope and without God in the world. 

There was a time in every Christian's life when we did not belong to Christ. Because of God's grace, by His Spirit, in His time, we were called and drawn to Him that we might, through Christ, be redeemed and adopted. It is in Christ, that we now have hope. This scenario has played out for each and every person who has come to know Jesus as Lord and Savior, and it will be true of anyone who will one day come to know Him. Those people for whom we have spent years praying or those we stand back watching with a morbid fascination or outright disgust (though we should be praying), those people or situations over which we have thrown up our hands in frustration --none of these is a lost cause, none of these is hopeless in the sense of being written off or abandoned. We should not lose hope over people still with us, people God created in His image who still have opportunity to know Him. We should not lose hope over matters God has not declared concluded. We should not lose hope for it is our hope that stands in the gap when these situations and these dear ones are without hope! 

Our hope in Jesus Christ leads the charge, brings justice to an unjust world, grieves and encourages, feeds the sick and clothes the poor, votes in a godly way, lifts the names and faces of those in need of a Savior before the Lord of lords, lights the darkness, and ministers in ways that reconcile our loved ones and their troubles to God through Christ. Jesus, our Hope, has promised to never leave His people or forsake them; therefore, we cannot be without hope! We should never relinquish that hope, succumb to hopelessness, based on the natural evidence, the things we perceive with our senses. Scripture tells us our battles are spiritual, fought on our knees before the throne of God, strengthened by fasting and ratified by our obedience. And though the battle seems to rage forever, our Mighty Warrior who saves is eternal and eternally sovereign; He will outlive and outlast any strife that exists on earth. He says who or what is hopeless, and it is said in His time and by His authority alone. 

Photo courtesy Steven Ganski, Jr.