Eulogy

My friend is dead.

People who say you never know how much you like someone until they are gone, aren't always right. Sometimes you know exactly how you feel about someone, but a whole bunch of other things -- most of which are unimportant -- get in the way.

You know you should be sitting somewhere talking to her, but you are Tweeting, and Pinning, and wondering why Instagram won't allow you to upload your picture. You know you should have invited him to your last barbecue, but you weren't sure where you put his number, and you know he doesn't like potato salad. You could have stopped over last week, but you were into much of a hurry to set the DVR.

Well, now my friend is gone. And I didn't stop when I drove past his house. And I haven't seen him at the place we go once a month, because I've been too busy to get there. And all I have left is his stupid voicemail wishing me a "happy birthday" the year before last. And I couldn't even go to his funeral today because I am so mad at myself, and so sad that he's gone, that I made myself sick and spent a good bit of the late morning in the bathroom. And I don't even know what to say to his wife. When everyone was posting things on his Facebook page, I didn't -- I couldn't find the words. I still can't. Not to tell you what he was like, or how much I'll miss him, or how I felt about him.

I can tell you how angry I am that I made things so complicated -- that we all make things so unnecessarily complicated.

"Well, I don't want to bother them if they're busy." "She might not even be there." "I have so much cleaning to do." "I just don't feel so good today."

Bother them! Check to see if she's there! Dust will always wait for you! Take an aspirin!! Why do we do this to ourselves? Why are we so lazy, complacent, wasteful?

 I drove almost an hour on my last day off. I went to see a cousin I am going to see again in a couple of months. At least, I think so. I don't want to take that chance again.

My Point of View

Some folks may think I have "I"-trouble, and to be honest with you, I (there it is again) am not entirely sure that I don't. I do, however, try to stay away from that sort of thing, and do a little ego exam now and again. The truth is, compared to the design God used at the beginning of all of this -- time, breath, life -- we are all egomaniacal fiends. He is worthy of our service, our worship, our dedication, and our devotion. None of us should glory in anything we've done. None of us should be wrapped up in "getting the credit." None of us should ever forget...it's not about us!

That being said, I tend to write from my perspective -- a lot. This is a blog, after all, a log of my choosing to be forever transcribed on the winds of the worldwide web. I have so much to say, mostly about the things that God has done for me. Maybe they are of interest to others, and maybe they are not, but I believe that even the smallest wonders do not exist as some entitlement, and I do not believe we can earn them. I believe they are gifts -- that life is a gift -- and my desire is to shout it from every venue at my disposal. If it seems I fixate on myself and my life, it is because I value all God has given me, and I could never say enough about it. It never ceases to amaze, how much He loves me.

I'd like that sort of amazement to be yours as well.

Friends are like Potatoes...If You Boil Them, They Die.

Relationships are funny. I was recently "unfriended" by someone who wasn't really much of a friend anyway. "I can't have a relationship with someone who doesn't communicate," she told me.

Um...have you read my blog? Communication? Yeah, not really an issue with me.

Nevertheless, we are no longer "friends." And, mind you, this happened within a matter of hours. At 6:30AM I was her "go to" for whatever favor she needed; by 9:30AM, I was no longer at her beck and call. You can tell how all this bothers me terribly.

The thing over which I am scratching my head is, how could we have spent so much time together and had formed two totally different conclusions about our relationship?

She truly believed she was my friend. She rarely let me finish a sentence, she depended on me for countless things, and she always found a way to ignore the advice she'd harassed me to get, or "forget" her promises to return a favor. I had no problem taking her to places she needed to go. I didn't care whether she heeded my advice or not. I had no interest in discussing my personal problems with her. Bottom line is, I didn't care how obnoxious she was -- I wasn't doing any of this to win her approval, and I wasn't looking for her friendship -- I wasn't looking for anything from her. Sadly, though, she didn't get that.

In thinking about all this, I realized I have made the same foolish mistake, as well. Generous, selfless folks who, for reasons I didn't understand at the time, were giving beyond my capacity to accept graciously. I cheapened their gifts by trying to give back, when I had nothing to offer, instead of graciously accepting their kindness. I scrambled to prove to myself that I was just as capable as they were. The joke was on me. They knew how ill-equipped I was; I was the one who didn't see it. If I hadn't been so prideful, I would have seen how desperate I was and how wonderful they were. Instead, I made promises I couldn't keep and spoke with compassion I didn't have. Ego rarely allows other friends in the room.

I don't worry that my "unfriend" no longer calls. I just hope the next time someone comes along who simply wants to help, she sees them for who they really are. Meanwhile, I guess I'll be working on my communication skills.

Are We There Yet?

I watched a driver putter through a school zone. Not the allowed 15 mph -- it is a limit, after all -- but, about half of that. The driver directly behind her immediately passed on a double yellow line the minute we got out of the school zone. Now, I say this not to judge, but to offer hope -- not so long ago, that very well might have been me. Patience, people.

It takes longer to spell "patience" than my husband can wait. And though I tend to be patient with others, I am far less patient with myself and my own goals. The two of us can get quite twisted when we are sitting there, waiting for the phone to ring. Just this morning, I prayed for God's strength and comfort while we wait patiently and obediently for our business to grow. It was one of those "aha!" moments.

Jesus walked this earth for approximately 33 years. He traveled the countryside dealing with bullies, line jumpers, liars, braggarts. and ignoramuses. You don't think His patience was tested? He was perfect, and he had to put up with people like me! Yet, He not only dealt with them, He demonstrated love to them! He knew life on earth wasn't a permanent gig. I'm sure there were plenty of times when he thought, "Father, isn't it time yet? Please!" But, He remained obedient to the Father and His plan.

He prayed in the Garden of Gethsemane for the Father to "take this cup" from Him; Jesus feared what was to befall Him, as any man would. It's that fear that can sometimes compel us to pray we can just get it over with. But Jesus patiently and humbly endured all that was to transpire that we might know true love and the forgiveness of sins.

Scripture says, "For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet he did not sin." (Hebrews 4:15)

 Jesus was tempted to impatience. He was 100% human and 100% God. He chose to love; He chose patience and obedience, so that we might also.