Find Your Groom Before You Find Your Husband

Wife, ex-wife, mom, stepmom, and grandmother here. That in and of itself says I have lived, I have loved, and I have made plenty of mistakes. And, while the living and loving have definitely been the most enjoyable part of the journey, it is the mistakes that have taught me the most. That being said, the weightiest, most wholly beneficial advice I can give any single woman is:

  Find your Groom before you find your husband.

My first marriage took place at twenty-one. A great guy. He had goals. He worked hard toward those goals. His family was stable. I was not a great person: I married him for all the wrong reasons, had no real goals of my own, never discussed with him any sort of goals for "us", and couldn't recognize stability with a photo ID. But when he was around, I was 110% his. I dropped everything and everyone for him. The problem? The converse was equally true: when he was not around, I was not his; I dropped him and all thoughts of him. I betrayed him when he was gone as easily as I betrayed others when he was present. Being self-aware is vastly different from being self-absorbed. I was not self-aware.

My second serious relationship took place shortly thereafter. Not such a great guy. I'll leave it at that. But I had learned. I would never hurt someone like I had hurt my first husband. This man had my undying loyalty. Not until he threatened the safety of someone I infinitely loved, did It ever occur to me to defy him. But defy him I did. I spent years paying for it personally and know the pain of watching those I love pay for my bad judgment and selfishness. My undying loyalty to the wrong type of person may have provided something for me in the short term but ultimately brought forth death.

My second marriage might have begun as a beautiful step toward redemption, but redemption as it exists in the natural is inadequate at its very best. Lessons had been learned by both of us (it was his second marriage as well). My career path was taking shape. "Adulting" had begun: a house, cars, children. For a time, it was picture perfect. But the integrity of a snapshot is limited by time and a lack of context. And it was time that began to reveal the context of our relationship. I was still incredibly dependent on the affirmation of others, as was he. I sought that affirmation within our marriage; he chose other avenues. When our relationship ended in an explosion of rational thought and unshakeable boundaries, I swore I'd be by myself forever. Well, not really "by myself."

In the interim, I'd found my Groom. Marriage, the union of one man to one woman, is our picture of Jesus Christ (the Groom) calling His people, the Church (His Bride), to be one with Him. In Genesis 2:24, God declares "a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh." In the same way, those who would be followers of Christ, His Church, are to be one with Him. He calls us and woos us, showing us His character through creation and His goodness to us. He demands we forsake all others for Him. He draws us to Himself for the purpose of transforming our lives to bring Him glory. (Does that sound narcissistic to you? Well, if you hold the perfect, infinitely good Creator to the same standard you hold your father or high school principal, perhaps. But if I'm going to serve anyone --and we all serve someone in this life --I'm going to serve the One who is worthy and loves me enough to die for me.)  He leads us and guides us in the way in which we should go. He loves His Bride with an everlasting love. Protector, Provider, Defender, Friend, Teacher. This is the picture of a perfect Husband. This is the foundation for a perfect relationship. And though no mere mortal after this would measure up, meeting the one who desired and pledged and worked to emulate my Groom, was a blessing beyond blessings. 

Marriage Number Three. Don't get me wrong, I do not advocate divorce or multiple marriages. However, my relationship with the Lord was still taking form when Scott and I met. I was still attempting to maintain boundaries, to obey, and to resist this persistent, very interesting and tender man. So, there we were, both fumbling our way through the newness of new life. And we've been at it ever since. But finding my Groom has made all the difference. When my husband fails, I seek my Groom so I might forgive. When my husband confronts me about wrong I have done, I seek my Groom so I might humbly accept correction and seek reconciliation. When my husband and I want two very different things, I seek my Groom for wisdom. When my husband is all I dreamed he might be, I seek my Groom to express gratitude for the radical change in each of us that has brought about such blessing. My husband is my partner, my friend, my special blessing; but my Groom is our foundation. Without Jesus, I might be a good wife; with Him, I can be a godly wife. Without Him, I might be happy; with Him I am whole. My Groom is making me the best Bride I can be. For His glory and for the good of my husband and me.