Feeling Really Uncomfortable --Thank God!

The sense I should have said more --said something --gnaws at me. On Tuesday, I'd left the house to run some errands. Upon leaving, I realized I'd forgotten something and ran back inside. Upon making it halfway to the store, I realized I'd forgotten something else and had no choice but to turn around. When I finally made it all the way to the store, I entered and began to fill my list.

Excuse me, Miss. 

He called me Miss and not Ma'am --why wouldn't I answer? Turns out, he was looking for some advice on a product; would it help his cold. As he stood over me, telling me a strange story of how he caught this cold, I could feel the spray from his lips landing on my face. I politely attempted to distance myself. He continued telling me he was eager for the Kingdom of God to be established here on earth --this non sequitur occurred sometime after our second Have a good day; I hope it helps, and a Columbo-worthy Oh, just one more thing, Miss. I'm never not amazed at the rapid way the brain functions; thoughts raced through my mind. Is he mentally ill? He's really difficult to understand. I can not get sick! Is he just a lonely widower? He's neatly dressed. Does he have a shrine and newspaper cutouts posted in his house somewhere? There are too many witnesses for him to try anything. Now, you're being crazy, Judi. Poor guy. Oh, my goodness, I cannot get sick!! Then I caught, or thought I caught the words "JW-dot-org." Wait, is he Jehovah's Witness? Seconds later, Yep! There it is again. Now, what do I say? Mind you, all the while, the clock is ticking. I've been delayed twice just trying to get to this place; this little sidebar just seemed like divine appointment. But I wasn't having any of it. This is out of my wheelhouse, Jesus! At that point, I looked for any way I could to end the conversation and made a hasty exit. 

And now, today, the sense I should have said more --said something --gnaws at me.

It gnaws at me because I believe with surety it was divine appointment. Because I willfully chose not to obey. Because I placed the priority of my list over the eternal life of another and over God's command to Go therefore and make disciples of all the nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, teaching them to observe all things that I have commanded you. (Matthew 28: 19, 20) Because I didn't know what to say, nor did I ask the Holy Spirit for the words. Because --and this is the wickedness of my old nature --I said to myself, "Well, maybe God didn't exactly expect me to talk to him about Jesus. Maybe He just put him there so I can pray for him." Ugh! Yes, I actually spoke that drivel in my heart. The man struck up a conversation with me! Of course I was supposed to talk to him about Jesus!

Have I asked Jesus to forgive me, to change me, to give me the grace to obey Him, to provide me with the words? Yes, and I am grateful for that. Have I pledged myself to repentance? Yes, I even asked Him for another shot --though reluctantly, I admit, because I figure it will come at a time when I am even more hurried and more distracted by the potential for getting sick. But if the second call to obey is not more uncomfortable for me to answer than it was the first time (see John 21:15-19), how will I know I have received the grace of the King of kings? How will I know it is in His strength and under His sovereignty I now live? What will I have learned from all of this gnawing?

He who disdains instruction despises his own soul,
But he who heeds rebuke gets understanding.
~ Proverbs 15:32