Sure, It's a Stretch. But It's Worth It!

WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME????

Has that ever been your question? Have you ever been in a season where nothing seems to go right for days, weeks, months on end? Without chasing down too many rabbits, we've been on one of those adventures for about a year now; the fear and frustration I've experienced have caused problems in other areas. As I attempted to take care of the things I can control, I discovered a book by Mark E. Shaw called Addiction-Proof Parenting. (I'm not in love with the title --I almost expected some money-back guarantee, but many strategies and explanations were helpful.) In one chapter, Shaw talks about "The Cycle of the Victim Mentality". He rightly points out that it's important to challenge children, to stretch their capabilities and our expectations of them -- in a godly manner --as it is pretty much human nature to take responsibility for only the bare minimum of what is expected of us. When a parent fails to set high standards, to encourage their child to do the hard things, the results are tragic. 

And in that place is where I discovered yet another assurance of the love and mercy of God for His children!

Shaw writes: 

As the child takes less responsibility and a parent takes more of those responsibilities, the child develops an angry and depressed attitude. Why? The answer is that he knows he is failing in this area but is not willing to change. This internal conflict breeds his anger toward his parents.

When someone sins by omission, or by failing to do what is rightly required by the Lord, there are consequences for those sins because mankind is under the curse of the sin resulting from the fall of Adam and Eve in Genesis 3. Just as we are under the law of gravity, we are also under the law of sin and its consequences, which always result in separation from God, sinful emotional responses, and eternal death. When Adam and Eve sinned in Genesis 3, the emotions of fear and shame appeared for the first time in human history. The sinful failures of a person in addiction to be responsible are compounded by their wrong thinking-the victim mentality.

Here is a typical cycle:

• an addict fails to be responsible,
• a parent picks up the responsibility for the addict,
• the addict feels guilty about the sinful failure,  
• the sin causes consequential emotions (depression), 
• the addict mistakenly begins to believe that he is not responsible and that the parent is responsible, and finally, 
• the addict becomes angry at the parent, sometimes unknowingly.

It is incredible to see how many addicts are bitter and hateful toward their parents who are simply trying to do the right thing by filling the void left by the addict's irresponsibility. Parents are often shocked at the angry attitude of a child whom they are "enabling" to be irresponsible. The parent thinks, "I am only trying to help my child-why doesn't he see it?" While it may look like victimization to the child who desires to be in control of his own life, the parent does not see it. The parent simply believes he is doing the right thing by taking care of the responsibilities, but the consequences of the sin are designed by the Lord to point the person back to Christ for confession, repentance, forgiveness, and power to do the will of God. The dynamics of a "rescuing" or "enabling" parent who takes the responsibility from a child is acting sinfully, which will provoke that child to anger.

Though the child may not be able to verbalize it, he knows that he is failing to be responsible to his God-given responsibilities. ... By God's design, all sin produces consequences including emotions like guilt, anger, and depression. These consequences manifest in order to lead a sinning person to confession and repentance. Even though the parents mistakenly believe they are helping the child, they are actually sinning and contributing to the child's sinful failures to be responsible. Unfortunately, it's a double whammy of sin: the child's and the parent's!

Our Heavenly Father does not, of course, sin. He stretches us and challenges us, but He is with us all along. We are not without His grace and His law. He lavishes His love on us that we might serve Him and bring Him glory to the extent we were created to do so! In the seasons where we are tested and pressed, His divine mercy is operating to make us better servants and image bearers for His glory and our good!