This Place

Little hands dug deeply into the knot just to the left of my shoulder. I hadn't asked for a back rub, I hadn't particularly wanted one (I was in the middle of Bible study with a friend at the time), and I certainly hadn't told anyone about the knot. Was it a bid for attention? Was it his need for physical touch? Did he genuinely want to do something kind? He was quiet, he was content, and the fact he was targeting just the spot that had annoyed me all day made me question whether God was up to something. I continued with our study. 

This journey is a journey of learning. Learning what motivates him, what irritates him, learning to respect his boundaries and not to judge. It's also a journey of self-discovery, particularly since this is something of a parenting "Round 3" for me, particularly since "Round 1" did not include me trying to raise my children in the Lord, and "Round 2" provided only limited authority in that area. So as a believer raising a child not yet in the double-digits, this is new territory. A mom without her mom, raising a child who has never truly known one mom; this journey can be convoluted and tempestuous, trudging through the depths of that scenario. A woman with trauma and trouble in her past, craving distance and --if I'm being honest --isolation when the child we're loving on needs to be brought close and included. In raising children, our true selves are revealed, and it's not always this glorious unfolding as a flower reaching full bloom. Some days it looks more like the light of a freight train barreling toward me as I stand, paralyzed with fear in a cold, dark tunnel. Am I selling the whole adoption thing yet?

There is one central truth I spend difficult moments confessing, indications of progress celebrating, and quiet times considering: God has brought me to this place. I don't say this casually. From the dysfunction of my childhood to the self-imposed chaos of my twenties and thirties, from the legalism and the people-pleasing to the substance abuse and addictive behaviors --it's all being used by a God who is sovereign to shape the terrain of this path. Here's why you see things this way. Here's what not to do. Recall how you felt when... There are very real consequences to that choice; you know them well. 

And preparation through life lessons are not the end of it. There is the challenge and encouragement of a "do-over." Those life lessons were once mistakes and transgressions. In this season, I have the opportunity to do something new and the desire to do something for God's glory. My previous choices may have been out of desperation or ignorance or self-aggrandizement, but today I have a purpose and calling: today I am a minister of reconciliation. The choices I make --like allowing a tiny masseuse to go to work during a Bible study --I make bearing in mind God's heart and God's plan for the world's salvation.

Lastly, and this is the biggie: How can I confidently confess God has brought me to this place? Because I did not choose this. Adoption, specifically adoption, was my husband's idea. I wanted to serve. I wanted to help. I wanted to share the good news of Jesus with a child. My prayer was simply, Thy will be done. I asked my God to close any doors He did not want open and to thwart any opportunity that was not in accordance with His will. I am not noble, selfless, a model of charity; I am His child, and as such, lavished with grace and equipped to do His will. When the seemingly endless line of social workers and legal agents visit our home, I hope they think --I want them to think there's nothing more I desire than to be this immersed in the life of a child. I pray they see the relationship that has developed between this young man and I, the love I have for him, and think to themselves, "This is a dream come true for all parties involved." I'm not talking about putting on some sort of show or being disingenuous; I'm saying that I hope they see Christ in me --that is who He is, that is how He sees this; and that is what propels me forward in this journey: the assurance this is all by His design and implementation, for His glory.