I'll Wait

"Though the fig tree may not blossom, nor fruit be on the vines; though the labor of the olive may fail, and the fields yield no food; though the flock may be cut off from the fold, and there be no herd in the stalls -- yet I will rejoice in the Lord; I will joy in the God of my salvation." ~~ Habakkuk 3:17-18

I'd awakened a few minutes early, reviewed my weekly Bible study "homework", and gotten out everything I'd need to get Mom breakfast and rush off to study later that morning. I couldn't wait to see my sisters and pray with them. About 6 AM, something strange began to happen -- dizziness, nausea. "I'll wait. Probably just sinuses." By 8 AM, I felt worse. I slowly, carefully took the back roads home and texted our pastor's wife: "I won't be at study today..."

This past month has been -- for lack of a better description -- emotionally draining. A dear sister from church fell ill and passed; her love for life, her spunk and wit, and her gentle laugh are, and will forever be, matchless. Several of my friends and acquaintances have lost parents and siblings in these last couple of weeks -- suicide, dementia, cancer; I can't imagine the depth of their pain, but I ache for them. We received some heart-breaking news about some family members a few days back -- news so devastating, I have locked myself in my "bubble" and I am still trying to process it. Our neighbors were forced to euthanize their sweet poodle, Tootsie, this week; Tootsie and Bishop had lived next door to one another and played together for over ten years. Of course, I still grieve my four-legged friend from time to time. And now, sickness.

I've gotta be honest with you, my attitude stinks. I'm not throwing in the towel; I haven't turned my back on God, or developed a bent toward any other harmful cliches; but I'm definitely thinking "remote mountain cabin" for a few days. I am just not in "I-will-rejoice-in-the-Lord" mode yet; but then again, neither was the prophet, Habakkuk -- at first. It took some wrestling, and honesty, and waiting. Habakkuk spoke to God candidly, and said, "Here's what I see, and I don't like it; here's what's going on, and I don't understand why You allow it. I'll wait." And God answered! Habakkuk's sense of justice and morality were right, but Habakkuk didn't have the whole picture. God was doing something, and like ground that must be dug up before healthy grass can grow, or a wound that must be opened and irrigated before it can be closed up, it was going to look worse before it got better. Habakkuk purposed in his heart to trust and rejoice.

As I said, I am still processing some elements of this struggle; but once the numbness wears off, and I can put words to some of the things I am feeling, I will speak very specifically and openly to my Father in Heaven. And I'll wait; and re-hear, repeat and receive those words: though this and that, though those and these, though today and tomorrow -- do not turn out as I presuppose, I will rejoice.

"The Lord God is my strength; He will make my feet like deer's feet, and He will make me walk on my high hills." ~~ Habakkuk 3:19