Happy Birthday!

Yesterday was my first birthday without my mother. For years, Mom and I didn't celebrate together because-- well, life, a tumultuous relationship, distance. When Mom came to live with us, she could mark time by the decorations or the colors of the trees, but all of those specific dates she'd remembered for so long were lost to her. (One of the most heart-breaking things I found as we prepared to close up her house, was sheet after sheet of notepaper with names, birthdates, number of children, personal details-- "son, lives in...," "daughter, married to..." --attempts at keeping track of the children and grandchildren she could no longer remember). The last several years, though we were together in body, she referred to me as "Miss" and had no idea this was a day we shared in importance. It could have just as easily been her birthday or Easter; but when the cake was served, she was ready to dig in!

As I began to pray, yesterday morning, the ache in my heart as I missed her was real, but so was the deep gratitude --for her and for my Father God who gave her to me, who is always with me in joy and in sorrow. I am so grateful for the opportunity we were given to bless her with a warm, safe place to live, healthy food, and clean clothes. When she moved to a nursing facility, I had such fun visiting her! My friend would come and indulge Mom with cupcakes. We would talk and laugh and listen to big band music. We'd engage with some of the other residents who were, quite honestly, a hoot! I loved those moments when she would come back to me --even if it was just a wide-eyed look at a delicious lemon cupcake or an eyeroll. Sometimes she'd get to tapping to the music and my friend would encourage, That's it, Miss Helen! and we'd break into laughter.

I am grateful that my relationship with Mom had changed so dramatically over the past year or so. Thank You that I loved her and still do, I wrote in my journal. The love my Savior gave me bridged a chasm in a way I never thought possible. And today marks the 58th year since You and Mom brought me into this world, I continued. Have You spent some time talking about it? sharing the plans You both had/ have for me? Did You talk about the Halloween costumes she spent days sewing each year and the hat she'd crocheted for my Barbie (it wound up floating a bowl of melted ice cream, and I was crushed)? Did You rejoice over her love for our pets and the arts & crafts we used to do together? Did You laugh over my love for her absolutely horrendous --almost sacrilegious -- take on veal parmesan? Did You cry together over the anger I had toward her for years, the mercy You both showed toward me, and the moment love won? What are the two of You doing to celebrate this special day for the three of us? I'm spending it thinking of both of you.

God is merciful, a Restorer of relationships, and I am grateful He will one day restore all things. Until that day, though, we have so many guarantees --glimpses of what He will do. Look for them in creation, in your relationships, in your health. Pray they will come to pass! God is faithful!

When Israel was a child, I loved him;
        and out of Egypt I called My son.
    But the more I called to Israel,
        the more they walked away from Me.
    They kept on sacrificing to other divine masters
        and burning incense to idols!
   But I was the one who taught Ephraim to walk, holding him up by his arms,
        but his people didn’t know I was the One who took care of them.
    I led them along with leather cords;
        with ropes of love I showed them the way.
    As I dealt with them, I lifted the yoke from their neck;
        I bent down to give them their food.  ~ Hosea 11:1-4