The Way I See Things

I watched as our daughter headed out to the backyard, her confident walk and the lightness in her gait illuminated by the contrast of her dirty, worn out bedroom slippers, her favorites. She called to our pup with the flopping ears who bounded joyfully after her. Four years ago, we'd lost a dog suddenly --too suddenly to call Olivia out of class and get her home in enough time to say goodbye. It was something that bothered us all. A few years later, Olivia began to lose weight at an alarming rate. She struggled to eat, particularly in public. Anxiety became an everyday battle. Her tiny frame became almost brittle-looking and her once buoyant blue eyes became empty. Now, here I was, privileged to be watching a healthy, happy, young woman, attached once again, to a lively, faithful canine friend. I saw in the simplest of moments, a picture of healing and God's mercy. 

There's a quote I've seen a lot lately:

Those who leave everything in God's hands will eventually see God's hand in everything.

Perhaps that is the case, but I sometimes try to imagine how I would see things if I denied the existence of God. Would I appreciate this moment for the blessing it is? Who would I thank? Maybe I would mutter some "circle of life stuff" to myself and move on. Maybe I would be unable to leave that place of pain we had to go through to get to this place. I know who I once was, and I really can't fathom seeing things as I do without the transformation the Holy Spirit has worked in me. Way back when, the loss of a dog and the grief of a young woman would have been one more thing I'm expected to deal with. It would have become some sort of commentary on my parenting: Look, I'm sorry you miss the dog, I'm sorry there wasn't enough time. What do you want me to do? Stop blaming me! I felt alone. I believed the weight of my children's upbringing, their health, their future, rested completely on me. I felt pressured to be better than everyone else; I struggled to carve out "me time" while working, homeschooling, and "being the best mom on the planet." I was so stressed out and spread so thin, I forgot birthdays and promises; I torched relationships and blamed others; my desire to be a model for others rendered me a model for hypocrisy. I drove myself and everyone around me crazy with my self-sufficient, self-absorbed, misguided quest for perfection. 

BUT GOD. He proved to me I am not alone (Isaiah 41:10)... 

I am not called to lead but to follow (Matthew 16:24-25)...

it is not all about me (John 3:30)...

He is working for my good (Romans 8:28)...

He is available anytime of the day or night through prayer (Psalm 88:1)...

I can place the things I can't control in His hands --and even the things I think I can (Philippians 4:6-7)...

the end game is not for me to be the best (Colossians 3:23-24)...

I only have to do what I am called to do (2 John 1:6).

And that has made all the difference in the way I see things.