Got Any Plans?

Last June we lost our goofy, big-headed Bishop. I miss him terribly, but his issues with fear aggression could turn an evening with guests into an anxious contest of open doors and closed doors. When he passed I was finally able to use our home as a place of hospitality and my schedule as a blessing to others. I began inviting friends for lunch; Scott and I were planning an end of summer getaway -- our first in years. At the same time, I toyed with the idea of starting a small business; I was committed to eating right and exercising, and I wanted to share that life with as many people as possible. I was writing copiously, and yearned to attempt a book. I had a "four-year plan" with regard to my job, preparing for retirement. Though I had lost, I had not lost hope.

Before the summer ended, everything had changed. Our home was filled to capacity with people in need of care and clothes and a place to sleep and instruction and time. My office was gone, paperwork was everywhere, and my need for order was threatened. My peaceful little sitting room was now storage, and my need for quiet was viciously discarded. My job had been altered dramatically, and my comfortable routine shaken to bits. My time was less my own than ever; my independence, thrown into shackles. My relationship with my husband consisted of a five minute rundown each morning -- who ate and what they ate -- and the same every evening. My health was put on the burner behind the back one. My writing and my personal goals became what dreams are made of. Everything we valued had been touched, violated. And my goofy, big-headed boy wasn't around to curl up next to me or bring a smile to my lips.

To say I felt robbed or betrayed, would be an understatement. How would I ever get past the feeling of loss if all I keep experiencing is loss? I was trying to turn grief into something good; I had refused to sit around moping over a dog; I was being fruitful, right? Well, when planning the future, we must be sure to consult the One in whose hand it resides. When our inhospitable little friend passed on, I knew God was opening the door for us to open the door to others, but He'd not given me any specifics. I had proceeded in the best way I thought possible -- and I'm not saying that was wrong -- but, by the time God did make the specifics very clear, I'd fallen so in love with my plan, I was unwilling to release my grip on it. When God's plan was revealed, I wanted it to feel as comfortable and gentle as the plan I'd created. You know, just a little sacrifice here, a little inconvenience there. Well, when was the last time anyone was deeply, radically transformed by a little bit of pain, a hint of heartache? Would the gospel have reached unheard of peoples if those who carried it agreed to do so only to the point it didn't interrupt their lunch? Would the gospel even exist if the One who holds the future hadn't radically transformed and laid down His future for ours?

And what was all the protest over anyone -- even God -- touching my stuff? That's really what it was. I wanted to give up what I chose when I wanted. "I give myself away." "All to Jesus I surrender." Hadn't I sung those very words over and over? Hadn't I prayed for God to use me? laid all I have and all I am down in service to Him? Wasn't He the one who gave me those things, made me as He determined in the first place?

"The plans of the heart belong to man, but the answer of the tongue is from the Lord." -- Proverbs 16:1 

The heart of man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps." -- Proverbs 16:9 

"Many are the plans in the mind of a man, but it is the purpose of the Lord that will stand." -- Proverbs 19:21

"'For My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways My ways,' declares the Lord. 'For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways and My thoughts than your thoughts.'" -- Isaiah 55:8-9

Thank You, Lord, for the times You have thwarted our plans. Thank You for Your desire to transform and renew us. Help us surrender even our smallest desires to You, that You might use them in Your time and for Your glory! Amen.