Midweek: Step One

Would anyone like to share something they've learned as we've studied the First Step? the leader of our Twelve Step program asked.

Yes, I said, I had to keep reminding myself it was the first step. Appearing perfect is a huge part of my history. As a child I learned that life was much different behind closed doors than it was, say, on a Sunday morning, before the congregation of our large church. Going through a program that I might conduct myself soberly as the Bible commands can be difficult for someone who is doing the work but still meeting with "failure." Why aren't I fixed yet? Why am I still finding this difficult? Why am I still finding myself drawn to the same old habits? The short answer is, it's a twelve-step program for a reason. The first step --I admit that (by myself, without Jesus) I am powerless over my addiction; that my life has become unmanageable --is just that, a first step.

I remember saying The Sinner's Prayer, "accepting Jesus into my heart," when I was a young child. I wanted to please the grown-ups and, quite frankly, I wanted the accolades. I wanted to be special, to have people celebrate my new birthday, and to be "fixed." I craved those things so badly, I said that prayer almost every time there was occasion to do so. But each time I returned to the "old me," I was pretty sure Jesus had packed His bags and left my heart within a day or two of moving in. What those grown-ups had failed to explain, or what I had failed to grasp was that praying any sort of prayer surrendering one's life to Jesus is simply the first step. Generally speaking, the Holy Spirit does not wave a magic wand and instantly transform habits, circumstances, proclivities, and desires the moment a prayer is prayed. Generally speaking, and I think I'm safe in saying, more often than not, there is work to be done. 

We realize our need for a Savior. 

    We recognize Jesus as the Savior of the world. 

        BUT there is work to be done.

"Doing the work" in a recovery program seems to be modeled after working out one's own salvation with fear and trembling. In my case, maybe more so, as my "addiction" is more of an addiction to sin than anything else. Can I pass a Qdoba without wanting to stop in? Sure, I can. Can I pop on social media and still obey my alarm when it sounds? Yep. Can I go shopping without slapping down the "emergency" credit card and promising myself I'll pay it right off? No problem. But can I obey when I'm upset and uncomfortable and looking to self-medicate in some way? Can I obey when I've got it in my head that I want what I want and I want it now? If I'm seeking to be honest, not always. Addiction demands I give inferior people, places, and things control over my life. Sobriety demands I obey the Lord of my life. But there is work to be done. 

Think of all the things in life that take time. We don't ask people how to get from Point A to Point Z, right? We're happy just getting to the next place. If you're reading this right now, chances are you've done a lot of growing since you were a toddler. You'd have had a pretty tough time driving to work last week if you were still just three feet tall. The sun takes hours to move from one side of your yard to the other, warming the ground where you've planted those tomatoes as it goes. We understand the process and the benefits of it being a process. The process of recovery --from addiction and from self-indulgence and sin --begins with acknowledging the problem; but it is a process thereafter. It is a day-after-day obedience to the One who is perfect Truth, who loves us and is willing to forgive us, who remains with us and guides us, who died and rose for us that we might have a fresh start and a new nature, who is sovereign over all, and promises the work will be completed (providing we submit) in His time. When we fall short, we don't become discouraged; we don't beat ourselves up because we've failed or abandon the work. We confess our failure and draw closer to Him. We reconcile ourselves to God and thank Him that He hears our prayers. We trust He is with us every step of the way.