Tough Love

A friend of mine was just telling me about a terrible situation with her adult child. It escalated, and the police were called. My friend refused to allow this adult child back into the home --at least, for that night. Before leaving, an officer confronted my friend, dropping on her a steaming pile of condemnation. A difficult decision was made more difficult by the judgment of an outsider. And, while I concede there may have been experiential knowledge he attempted to share, it came out in the form of reproach. So, today I want to encourage those who are wrestling with, praying about, agonizing over the life of a reprobate adult child. Don't follow your heart, don't spend days pouring over parenting books or YouTube videos. Simply, "Love your neighbor as yourself." 

"Don't we show ourselves tough love from time to time? Don't we give ourselves a good talking to?" my friend asked as she continued. "Why do people think we are wrong if we do that with our adult children?" She is absolutely right. We love ourselves in a way that demonstrates self-care and self-discipline. We know there is danger in allowing ourselves to act exclusively for comfort or convenience. We establish boundaries, particularly in areas where we have struggled with addiction. We know being undisciplined is not good for us or anyone we are commissioned to serve. Tough self-love benefits others as well. But when it comes to our children...? "Love your neighbor as yourself." If you wouldn't allow yourself to act that way in your home, why are we allowing other adults --adults who refuse to moderate their behavior out of respect for others --why are we allowing these adults to do that?

We set boundaries for a four-year old. No, you may not have another cookie before dinner. We set boundaries for our thirteen-year old. That's enough screen time for today. Why are we so reluctant to do that with our twenty-year old? Our thirty-year old? Do we love them less? I certainly hope that's not the case! Maybe we just fear them more. As our children age, they become more autonomous, less easy to control. If our four-year old objects to our decision, he stomps off in a huff. Moments later, he comes back with a broken toy in hand. Daddy, can you fix this? A thirteen-year old slams the door of her room and pops in her earbuds, losing her frustration in music. Two hours later, she appears ready to apologize and put her laundry away as instructed. But our adult child? He has bigger consequences should he continue to live his life in this manner. What if he kills someone with his drinking and driving? What if she overdoses? What if he gets caught? Are we that afraid of consequences, we refuse to love? Are we so inclined to control, we forego selflessness? Are we so earthly-minded, we cannot trust God to work in that child's life as He plans? 

Maybe it has less to do with God's work in our child and more to do with the work we have invested in our child. What if she tells people we asked her to leave? What if people find out we gave him an ultimatum? Far be it for anyone to think all of our hard work failed, that our child chose her own way against our principles. Maintain the Everything's okay facade even if it means intolerable conditions within our home and the enabling of our child. Maybe we've convinced ourselves we are that essential to our child's salvation. If she goes to live with her boyfriend, she'll never hear the Gospel. Maybe we're too afraid of the unknown. If he never comes back, I won't know if he's dead or alive. Control through indulgence rather than love with boundaries.

Whatever the reason, we have to be willing to love our neighbor --our adult children, God's children --as ourselves. And this is where it gets back to showing ourselves some tough love. Asking ourselves some questions with some very difficult answers. How is this benefitting them? Or, let's be honest, is this more about benefitting ourselves? What is this doing for those who are watching? What does this say about the God we trust? How does this glorify Him? Do we spend more time praying for them, or centering our thoughts, our plans, our activities around them --maybe even cleaning up after them or bailing them out of their consequences?

And for those who feel compelled to judge parents attempting to lovingly discipline adult children, kindly keep your opinions to yourselves or provide biblical support. Sorry to be so tough.

Photo courtesy Steven Ganski, Jr.

Midweek: Sad But Not Deceived

In Matthew 19:16-22, Jesus is approached by a young man of great wealth. Maybe you know the story. The young man calls Jesus "Good Teacher." Matthew's account, unlike the others in Mark and Luke, seems to place our focus on the "good" thing. "What good thing must I do that I may have eternal life?" Performance, right? My end goal is to be good. Perhaps that is how such a young man acquired his riches. Maybe, from a father who taught him the value of a hard day's work, of being the best and most fruitful. Nevertheless, Jesus questions this prosperous young man's use of the word "good," and proceeds to break it down for him. It's more than checking off boxes, following the letter of the Law. The Law was given to show you where you lack. You must have enough compassion for others, selflessness and humility in your obedience to God, disregard for your own ambitions and your own way, and longing for the eternal, that you are willing to give everything to follow Me. (paraphrase mine) Charles Gore, in his book, The Sermon on the Mount, says the poverty to which Jesus called this young man is a call to detachment. Each Gospel writer, in his account, tells us plainly, the young man went away sad at hearing this because he had many possessions. He turned his back on the Salvation of God because his way of living, his treasure was where his heart was. What no Gospel writer says is that Jesus, feeling so hurt by the young man's rejection, ran after him to pull him back. What no Gospel writer says is that Jesus, so in love with this young man, changed the rules so he could have eternal life. What no Gospel writer says is that Jesus is more interested in happy followers than obedient followers.

Our society puts such value on happy. We love inclusion. We want peace at any cost and pale at the thought of offending someone. Jesus wanted this young man, and every person who overheard this exchange, and every person throughout history who reads these words, to be sad, if necessary, but not deceived. Happiness is no more the end goal than good works and being good. Inclusion is no more the end goal than performance. Peace is no more the end goal than the letter of the Law. Jesus, Jesus is the end goal, following Him alone in full obedience and to completion. 

Does Jesus want joyful people? Certainly. Does He want inclusion? It is not His desire that any should perish. Does He want peace? He is the Prince of Peace. But never at the cost of truth. To seek those things first is to sacrifice Truth for something less than. Jesus is the Truth, and He will not withhold His character to spare someone's feelings. He is the only Way, and He will not provide another for the sake of convenience. Jesus is the Divine Judge, appointed by the Father, and will not spare anyone the truth just to keep the peace. To allow someone to be deceived is not mercy or righteousness. It does not signal to everyone you are acting in that person's best interest. To stand quietly as someone walks away sad, excluded, or outraged but knowing truth, is an act of perfect love. 

Find Your Groom Before You Find Your Husband

Wife, ex-wife, mom, stepmom, and grandmother here. That in and of itself says I have lived, I have loved, and I have made plenty of mistakes. And, while the living and loving have definitely been the most enjoyable part of the journey, it is the mistakes that have taught me the most. That being said, the weightiest, most wholly beneficial advice I can give any single woman is:

  Find your Groom before you find your husband.

My first marriage took place at twenty-one. A great guy. He had goals. He worked hard toward those goals. His family was stable. I was not a great person: I married him for all the wrong reasons, had no real goals of my own, never discussed with him any sort of goals for "us", and couldn't recognize stability with a photo ID. But when he was around, I was 110% his. I dropped everything and everyone for him. The problem? The converse was equally true: when he was not around, I was not his; I dropped him and all thoughts of him. I betrayed him when he was gone as easily as I betrayed others when he was present. Being self-aware is vastly different from being self-absorbed. I was not self-aware.

My second serious relationship took place shortly thereafter. Not such a great guy. I'll leave it at that. But I had learned. I would never hurt someone like I had hurt my first husband. This man had my undying loyalty. Not until he threatened the safety of someone I infinitely loved, did It ever occur to me to defy him. But defy him I did. I spent years paying for it personally and know the pain of watching those I love pay for my bad judgment and selfishness. My undying loyalty to the wrong type of person may have provided something for me in the short term but ultimately brought forth death.

My second marriage might have begun as a beautiful step toward redemption, but redemption as it exists in the natural is inadequate at its very best. Lessons had been learned by both of us (it was his second marriage as well). My career path was taking shape. "Adulting" had begun: a house, cars, children. For a time, it was picture perfect. But the integrity of a snapshot is limited by time and a lack of context. And it was time that began to reveal the context of our relationship. I was still incredibly dependent on the affirmation of others, as was he. I sought that affirmation within our marriage; he chose other avenues. When our relationship ended in an explosion of rational thought and unshakeable boundaries, I swore I'd be by myself forever. Well, not really "by myself."

In the interim, I'd found my Groom. Marriage, the union of one man to one woman, is our picture of Jesus Christ (the Groom) calling His people, the Church (His Bride), to be one with Him. In Genesis 2:24, God declares "a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh." In the same way, those who would be followers of Christ, His Church, are to be one with Him. He calls us and woos us, showing us His character through creation and His goodness to us. He demands we forsake all others for Him. He draws us to Himself for the purpose of transforming our lives to bring Him glory. (Does that sound narcissistic to you? Well, if you hold the perfect, infinitely good Creator to the same standard you hold your father or high school principal, perhaps. But if I'm going to serve anyone --and we all serve someone in this life --I'm going to serve the One who is worthy and loves me enough to die for me.)  He leads us and guides us in the way which we should go. He loves His Bride with an everlasting love. Protector, Provider, Defender, Friend, Teacher. This is the picture of a perfect Husband. This is the foundation for a perfect relationship. And though no mere mortal after this would measure up, meeting the one who desired and pledged and worked to emulate my Groom, was a blessing beyond blessings. 

Marriage Number Three. Don't get me wrong, I do not advocate divorce or multiple marriages. However, my relationship with the Lord was still taking form when Scott and I met. I was still attempting to maintain boundaries, to obey, and to resist this persistent, very interesting and tender man. So, there we were, both fumbling our way through the newness of new life. And we've been at it ever since. But finding my Groom has made all the difference. When my husband fails, I seek my Groom so I might forgive. When my husband confronts me about wrong I have done, I seek my Groom so I might humbly accept correction and seek reconciliation. When my husband and I want two very different things, I seek my Groom for wisdom. When my husband is all I dreamed he might be, I seek my Groom to express gratitude for the radical change in each of us that has brought about such blessing. My husband is my partner, my friend, my special blessing; but my Groom is our foundation. Without Jesus, I might be a good wife; with Him, I can be a godly wife. Without Him, I might be happy; with Him I am whole. My Groom is making me the best Bride I can be. For His glory and for the good of my husband and me.